Ruth the Wallet Friend.

I was at the ticket machine. I felt the eyes on me. I looked down. There, on the ground was a photo of an old bird. I picked it up. She was wrinkled. She looked naked. She had a pearl necklace. She was someone’s passport photo. I looked around. No one nearby matched her appearance. The guy behind me peered at what I had in my hand. Protective of my photo, I cupped my hand around it and looked again. I put her in my top pocket and walked away.

I got off the train and the platform was empty. I reached into my pocket. There was a cream cookie in there which my sister had given to me earlier. It had left my post it note shopping list translucent with light grease spots. For the purposes of this story the grease and cookie are irrelevant. My photo, however is relevant. It was safe. I looked at it again and willed it to tell me its story. The face looked back at me weathered and wrinkled. It told me nothing, just like a mute or a wall. I named her Ruth. She didn’t change her expression but I think she approved. I put her in my wallet next to my ID. She is now the first thing I see when I open my wallet. Some would find it unusual looking at a stranger when they do their day to day activities but I find it comforting.

Ruth has been with me for almost 4 days now and I’ve sat on her face (with my pants and the leather of my wallet acting as a protective guard) but she is my Ruth and I have grown accustomed to her face.

If you recognise her, can you apologise for me and tell her to send a stamped self addressed envelope over to me and I’ll send her photo back. Or maybe I won't, after all I don't want to be ruthless.

Published!

Wow, that was fast!

Urban dictionary got back to me to say that both Pougar and Feeding the Joey have been published.

Here's what they had to say.

Thanks for your definition of Pougar!

Editors reviewed your entry and have decided to publish it on urbandictionary.com.

It should appear on this page in the next few days:

Urban Dictionary

-----

Pougar

Pronounced poo-gar. Similar to a Cougar,

A Pougar is a gay male, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men.

Will often be seen with hungry fuck me eyes preying on males 25 and under.

I was at the Blue Oyster and I got eye raped by at least 3 pougars.

Hey, you know how your mum is a total cougar and hit on me, turns out your dad's a pougar and hit on me too.

The examples are my own. Nice hey? Here's Feeding the Joey.

Thanks for your definition of Feeding the Joey!

Editors reviewed your entry and have decided to publish it on urbandictionary.com.

It should appear on this page in the next few days:

Urban Dictionary

-----

Feeding the Joey

Feeding the joey is the act of doing a reverse kanga and holding a midget upside down feet first while s/he blows you. The result is that you are a concerned Kangaroo mother feeding the Joey or kangaroo baby.

"How did your date with Bridget the Midget go last night?"

"Nice. I ended up feeding the joey, she has very grippable ankles."

Pop culture adulation can begin in 5...4...3...2...1. Thank you.

Comedy Store and Jim Jeffries

On Tuesday afternoon I got a call at about 4:45pm. It was from Michael at the Comedy store offering a 5 minute spot and so I took it. I brought my mate Michael along, or he brought me along as he drove.

Subby Valentine was MC and the open mic comics were quite good. That said the crowd were there to see Jim and so Subby worked hard while I waited to go on first. I opened with my polite brand of racism but then went a bit flat. The audience weren't prepared to give anything and it's tough trying to win a crowd back in 5 mins. I swear I heard a guy at the front say to his friend "This guys jokes are observations which aren't funny" which I only managed to piece together when I got back to my seat in the audience. Although I got laughs, I've done better so I was a bit glum when I finished. It was almost consoling to see the other comics struggle a bit after me. They had a break and then Jim Jeffries came on and he was exceptional. He went for about 40 mins longer then he should have and I felt like I needed to clean out my mind afterwards. That said, if you get a chance, you have to see him. His jokes are first class.

Here's a TV special. Watch it.

Comedy - Newcastle and Beyond.

So what's happened since the last update?

A little bit actually. Newcastle went well. Amanda and I got there about 2 hrs early and watched the pub fill up. We ran into a Newcastle local and Comic in Hannah Gissane who introduced us to Brendan who runs the room. Brendan offered Hannah the chance to MC which she took. We then met Kent Valentine who was lovely.

The show started at about 8:45 and Hannah told her furious fisting joke which got some great laughs. She waited for the laughter to die down and then peered into the crowd and said "Are you Mr Saxon? I think you taught me in primary school" It was ace. The room exploded. Hannah introduced me and I had a decent set. I lost the crowd in the middle bit but brought it on home with the cancer joke. There was a massive disconnect with the blind gay joke which was unexpected.

A young comic from up north called Sean went next and then there was Amanda and she did really well. Hannah got up to close off the first bracket but forgot about the break and went into a lengthy intro for Kent only to say "But next up is the break" Part of her charm is her nervousness and it was a pleasure to be a part of.

Kent did most of his solo show and it was quite impressive. It's inspired me to write my own. I got started this week with an awful story. Only 7 more of those to go and I will have an unwieldly and cumbersome set. Hooray!

Jessica and the Tard

I found this picture of Jessica Biel while surfing teh net this morning.



It's great because she's wearing a slightly see thru dress (this is not what I was searching for btw) and because of the severely handicapped child in the background. Honestly, he looks like he should be wearing earmuffs and catching butterflies in his mouth.

He has a reddish/pink camera too. Cmon kid, man up! I don't think he's even taking photo's of Jessica Biel, I think he's focusing on the bodyguard. He better unscrew his penis and hand it in at the man club because the tardo has no use for it. Even if he were actually taking photo's of Jessica Biel's see thru dress, he's gotten the whole picture thing wrong. You take photo's of the front of people when they wear see thru dresses, not the back.

Pink camera + chins + photos from the rear = waste of space.

Searching for Charm

I had dinner with some friends last night and naturally the conversation turned to how awesome RWOC is. They told me that when they type "Rays World of Charm" into the google they always receive "Madonna is Soulless" as the first result.

I wonder why that is? Does anyone speak intrawebz out there? I may as well be asking myself you fucking mutes.

Definitions

I'm quite proud of myself. I've made up two pop culture references this year. Try google searching them, you'll come up with nothing. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself as for them to become pop culture references they have to be accepted by pop culture but here goes the first step to stardom.

The first word is Pougar, which is like a cougar. It's an older gay male who preys on younger males in a sexual manner. It is also a surname. Way to ruin someone's lineage.

The second word or phrase is Feeding the Joey. It's where you Reverse Kanga and hold a midget by the ankles while they blow you. I've submitted both terms to Urban Dictionary so I'll update you as to whether or not they get approved.

Friday I'm in love

I have seen the most conceptually amazing thing I'm ever likely to see in my life today.

It's called The Bacon Explosion; Two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce.



I don't know what it could do to me but I know that I want it inside me. All of it and not necessarily orally. My only improvement is to spread shredded mozarella throughout the bacon core. Apart from that it's the greatest thing man kind has ever done.

Stool Sample

I was on my way to work and this stool was in the garden. It’s from Cabana Bar. Why is it in the garden? Why doesn’t someone return it? Why is it on it’s side? Doesn’t anyone know it’s missing? I should do something but I won’t.

At least if I need to sit down in the garden I can now.

Can't trust the Suits.

Hobo's can pay by cash, credit or check though.

Or maybe they're selling men in suits and will take cash only for them.

Alphabet Soup Vomit

I haven't checked in on Jamie @Alphabet Soup Vomit for a while. His ethos is quality over quantity I believe. He covers a social trend in Twittering in his latest post. More accurately it's Twitterature or the concept of boiling down a novel into 140 characters.

Great idea Jamie. It's like haiku's for lazy people. He even has some examples. My favourite is

"His last act was to goad his son about how weakly he swung the axe."

I like to imagine the he in thus Twitterature is a Rooster. With no pants.

The Top 50

I've had my iPhone for about 6 months now and in that time I've taken about 400 photos. I've saved them all on my pc and it's silly to keep them all on my phone as it's slowing down my snap shot ability. I decided I'd do a photo cull and get it down to the top 50. It was quite easy to get it down to 68 but then it got hard. After the next cut I got it down to 60, then I decided I'd seximate them (cull every 6th one) I wonder if I can make that a new word? Let's do it.

"The army was completely seximated"

Hot.

Anyways, here's a screen grab of roughly half the surviving images.



So many memories. Sigh.

Townsville for 1.

Forum 7's that union of writing and league is back for 2009. We had our first game against the Dragons this week. We won by 1 point which means our editing and writing all were worth it.

I've decided to get a start on next weeks match by writing my next piece now. Enjoy.

Townsville for 1.

I’ve just had the gig from hell. I’m stuck on Church Street in Parramatta at 1am looking for a taxi. The crowd ebbs and flows around me but, I’m the loneliest man in the world.

I hail a taxi and get in. The cabbie is talkative. He asks where I’ve been. I reply Comedy. He asks me if I’m a comedian. I nod my head. He asks me to tell him a joke. I deliver it; poorly. He looks at me like I’m a sham. I know that already. At least the rest of the ride is silent.

I get home and pack. I find my jerseys. They all smell bad. I pick the least offensive and place it on top of my bag. I go to bed and set the alarm for 4:30am.

The alarm rings. My girlfriend rolls over. I kiss her forehead and I think she tells me to piss off. I shower, get dressed and wait.

My phone rings. It’s the shuttle service. I go outside. There is no shuttle. I call the number back and ask where he is. He says number 62. I look up the road and notice the red of some tail lights. I run. He’s stopped at number 52. I have a dyslexic driver to the airport.

Small talk is non-existent. I try to snooze but can’t. Dawn breaks.

I get to the airport and check in. I’m asked if I have any explosives. I’m tempted to say I bombed last night but don’t. I stop and get the paper. Someone asks me if I’m going to the game. I reply that I wear my Warriors jersey in airports on Sunday mornings to advertise the team. It isn’t received well.

I look up from the paper. I notice a Warriors fan. He comes over and introduces himself. He’s going to Townsville as well. He’s with his girlfriend. They hug. I could use a hug but I don’t ask for one. I cry inside.

We board the flight. We sit across the aisle from each other. He points out Steve Mascord, sitting 2 rows in front. Steve has a massive head and a sense of self satisfaction that I envy.

We get to Townsville. The airport is covered in blue, yellow and white crepe paper. It looks like Cowboy Christmas for bogans. We get a cab. I’m staying in the centre of town; they’re staying near the casino. We swap numbers.

It’s 9:30am. I’ve had 3 hrs sleep. I nap. The fan calls me. I wake. I meet the fan in the centre of town.

The highlight of the day is watching a drunk female call a group of girls sluts. They’re only 13 years old and it’s 11am. End highlight.

The fan goes back to his hotel. I spend the next three hours in the museum. The woman from museum reception sees me three times. I think she feels sorry for me and makes small talk. I am now sobbing inside. I buy a snow globe from the gift store. I don’t feel better.

I go to the casino and lose $20 on the pokies while I wait for the fan.

We catch the bus from the casino. It costs $8 one way. I’m outraged but pay as I know of no other travel option. The bus crawls along painfully and is soon full of Cowboys fans. I feel dirty.

We get to the ground. It’s in the middle of nowhere. There is more dust than grass. We pick up our tickets and find out we’re in the same bay. With some creative seat shifting we end up sitting together. It’s hot. The Warriors are wearing black. Not good.

The game starts. Thurston fires a forward pass to Bowen just before half time. Bowen scores, Thurston converts. It’s 18-12. I should have left then. The second half is torture. The fan leaves with 20 to go. I watch numbly as the Cowboys rack up 31 second half points. The crowd cheers. I don’t.

I leave the ground by myself. I catch the wrong bus and end up in a paddock opposite a shopping centre. I get back on the bus. I catch another bus. It’s the right bus but I know I’m in the wrong town.

I get back to my hostel. The fan won’t return my calls. I eat alone. There are other diners around me, but I’m the loneliest man in the world.

FMyLife

Total Class at FML which is a site for fucked life situations.

My favourite one would be

"Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML"

Check it out.

Passive Agressive Notes

Fantastic sign writing at it's best - it's Passive Agressive Notes

I'm think of submitting some of my own work to see how it goes.

Thanks Candice!

Massive prick

Best. Son. Ever.

Over here at BBC.

A Day at Brookvale

We saw kick offs.



And shady babies.



We saw men in stange polka-dot hats.



And polynesian teens all in red.



We also saw a last minute victory with a sideline conversion by Denan Kemp. Check out awesome photo hotness. That's how I roll, half out of frame.



It was a good day.

Road Works!

The pavement is open for business. Walk and drive as you like but don't run into the barriers in the middle. It's not allowed.

Mentalist of the Week returns!

It’s back! That said, this weeks mentalist is as impressive as previous efforts over here.

I usually catch the 8:31am ECRL from Epping (fans feel free to catch it too and say hi, In know you don’t exist really). I have figured out that if I want a seat for the 15 minutes that it takes to go from the ‘Ping to Chatswood I need to get to the platform at 8:27. Seeing as it takes about 2 minutes to get from the top level to the bottom level and it’s a 7 minute casual stroll from our place to the station I leave home at 8:18. This works well for me as I get to watch some morning tele and take my time. It also works cos I get to see the chick in the pink vest.



I was prepared this morning and managed to take the photo above. It’s on a weird aspect that messes with my head. It’s as if the world is bending around her mentality. I’m a fan of my work.

It’s odd and not quite mentalist material by itself but bear with me. This is the third day in a row I have seen her wearing the exact same outfit hence the preparation. Surely she can’t be just waking up and saying “Well it’s vest day again let’s get this shit on!” Surely people at her place of work would notice. If a casual observer in myself has noticed why hasn’t someone at her destination noticed, taken her aside and said, vests aren’t cool, especially pink ones that match with your bag.

Stamp and Coin Excitement!

Last Sunday was the third Sunday of the month. That means it's Stamp and Coin Fair Sunday in the 'Ping! Hooray!

Here's the extent of their advertsiing.





Effective I know...

No one should get excited about this sort of stuff. No-one except for the weird telemarketer dude in our office. I was showing him the functionality of my iPhone and he commented on the Stamp photo. He said he'll drop by Epping on April 19 which is the next Stamp fair. If a stack of puppies get killed that day I'll feel somewhat responsible...

Twitter is lonely

I'm still going. Read my status updates here.

I posted this pretty insightful series yesterday but no-one cared. Have I gone too far or is everyone too apathetic? Sigh...

Come over to my Crib.

There's room for two.

Headline Humour

Someone at SMH is either quite funny or just unintentionally so.

Dykes sounded out as partner for Benji.

Hopefully they're on bikes.

Comedy in Newcastle

I'm going up the Freeway to do comedy tomorrow night. I may die both literally and also on stage. I'm going with Amanda to support Kent Valentine. We just need to do 10 min spots only so it's not too arduous but I'm still kind of nervous. I'll let you know how it goes.

Mouse

I'm interested by what's in or on my mouse. I just cleaned the grooves around the buttons with a pin and the stuff that came out looks funky. I think it would taste salty but I'm not game to taste it.

Bargain Books

Get to Big W right now and pick these babies up. They're bound to go to #1 with a bullet.



Now I can understand collecting $1 coins as they have the pilot one and the women's suffrage one and that other bloke and then the things but a 10c one? I opened it up and it had 38 slots for 10c coins. What you were meant to do is go through the years and put a 10c coin for each year in there. Why? Pointless.

Actually I did learn that in 2005 Australia minted 106 Million of the little fuckers. That's a lot of red frogs.

Russell Brand - Ok...

We went to see Russell Brand on Wednesday night. He was ok but not spectaculr. He kinda just coasted through the gig on the back of his own hype and in the end I felt that his 75 minute set was probably about 30 minutes too long.



This is how close we got to him. Impressive. After we took these a little attendant chick ran through the audience telling people not to take photos of him. As if he didn't want us to take photos of him. What are we going to do anyways? Print them out and trade of a blurry image of him in the crowd? Unlikely.

Anyways he finished up with a 10 minute bit about how he likes to do his women at which point all the little star fuckers in the audience took out their pads and wrote down notes on bumming and deepthroating. All in all it was a classy night.

Economic Crisis Hurts ATM's

Like this little fella. He even needed a band-aid. I hope he's ok.

Garage for Need

But only for need. Never for want, that would probably be sinful. If you are interested in your own garage, please call them.

Rejection: Quotes

I like haggling. Being able to buy crap in bulk that I didn’t need for a fraction of the cost of something authentic which will last a fraction of the time as the authentic item is invigorating. Pitting my wits against a wily old shopkeep is the enthralling. I’ll even haggle (albeit unknowingly) during every day grocery transactions. We went to buy Magnum’s from a servo the other day and it was $3.50 for one or $6 for 2. I was happy with just the one but the shopkeep tried to upsell to the 2 for $6 option. I said, on the balance of things it probably wasn’t worth it but if it was 2 for $5 I’d do it as it presented a better value option. My mate looked at me and said “Are you haggling with Caltex?” I said no but now, upon review I see that I was. Is it a bad thing? Not really, perhaps socially unacceptable but unbad.

Recently my haggling skills have been used in a more formal setting; receiving holiday quotes. Just like the stock market is gambling for white collars, I reckon requesting quotes is just a more sophisticated version of haggling. I had to get quotes for the impending honeymoon as I’ve allowed Marissa to do everything else so far and she’ll probably crack it if I continue to do so. The process went well and we were able to save about $1800 on requesting quotes and different package options; money that will go straight on the oversized cocktails and tacky tourist crap. The worst part about requesting these quotes is that I have to tell people that they weren’t successful with their submission to create a honeymoon package for our wedding. We fear rejection and I think people try to shy away from rejecting people. I don’t. It either makes me a tender soul or completely oblivious to the needs and feelings of others. I’ll let you decide.

I like to add a personal touch and I’ll type up a little rejection email and send it out to them sandwiched between compliments.

Dear Agent,

Thanks for your recent submission for Cashman Honeymoon 2009. Out of all the travel agents we saw your carpets were by far and away the cleanest. (You can interchange this with your teeth were the whitest, you had the most picturesque posters on your wall or perhaps come up with your own.)

We were overwhelmed by the quality of the quotes and we regret to inform you that unfortunately you were unsuccessful with your pricing.

It’s not all bad news though. We believe you should keep at it. You have a winning attitude, just not this time and we’re sure you will be successful with another couple in the not too distant future. (I like to keep this part standard. Some people think it may be condescending, I like to think it’s encouraging)

Regards

Ray Cashman

Try it yourself with tradesmen, professionals and even your local supermarket and let me know the results. Letters for the people!

Warriors - The Musical

Some pretty creative stuff combined with the Warriors. I'm impressed.



It's by a relative newcomer to the nzwarriors.com forum, a guy by the name of AussieWarriorsFan. He wrote another one for the Eels game last round. My favourite bit would probably be the repeated promises of little bits of Sea Eagle all over the floor. Violent and graphic.

Sign Language

The sign bandit has struck again in our foyer. Oh no! When will that scallywag learn? If you do see his missing sign, please be sure to return it.

Hankie Pankie

Snot really clothing but I'm going to tag it that way. I like to think that someone lost it on the way to the a dance so they could boogie. What did the hankie say about the nuclear powered nose? He's going to Mucus (Muke us) Geddit?

If you can think of any other booger gags you're more than welcome to add it.

As I said it's not clothing unless you're a baby or a really poor hooker, but let's pretend so I don't need to reorder the tag system.

Little Leung Explosion

For some reason, last night between 9:30pm and 11:00pm there were 40 google searches from Australia for Little Leung that directed people to RWOC. If you were responsible for one and you're back here for some reason, could you please reply in the comments section. I'm intrigued as to why it happened.

I don't understand this intrawebz, I don't understand it at all...

I Know Where It's At!

Epping Town Hall, that's where it's at. If you weren't there last Saturday, you missed out on this.



It's a sign which promises adventure and whispers of exciting things yet to come. It's Old Time, Modern and Scottish. It's all three! Can it get any better? Yes it can! If you're a club dressed student you can get in for $1. Dust off my bag pipe and stuff my kilt full of haggis, I'm there.

You can even dance with this old Scottish shagger.



Epping Town Hall. Scottish Saturdays. Be there, be there, BE THERE!

Form Plate.

This was at our local Sushi place today. The only way the could've fuct this up more is if they called it a prate.



Those whacky asians. When will they learn?

Self Bag Wash

In case you need to wash your scrotum some where, this is the place.



Looks like this guy is getting ready for it now.



Squeaky clean bag good enough to eat off.

The Road is Long

With a lot of road work going on.



I hope this is over soon. For your sake more than mine.

Pauline Hanson Nude!

I never thought this day would come. Pauline is nude! You can buy your fish and chips from her store, get her to wrap her fried treats in news print of her naked treats and then have "personal time" with the newspaper afterwards. I am not searching for these photo's but I will link to the Telegraph here.

There. Now I think I've typed just enough so if someone searches for it and finds my blog they won't realise that my real intention is to keep tabs on the sick fucks that are trying to google this shit. She's a red head! Ginger Minger! Ewww gross! Why do you want to see that shiz? You sir or madam if you've read this far are no better than the people looking up Little Leung and Sexzap. I still don't actually know what the last one is either.

Maybe I should make up a new term like frigpot, create a post about it and see if anyone tries to search for it.

*UPDATE*

I just learned you can follow this fine piece of poon on Twitter here.
Twitter? More like TITter. Ha. Oh Cashman, how you amuse me.

Online Meltdown Cont

Well it took 45 days but the second installment of online meltdown is here.

After closing down accounts and vowing to never return our forum friend made a new account over the weekend just in time for the footy season. The welcome was not that warm. In fact it was a bit nasty. It lead to a mass sms and the thing is, I didn't even have anything to do with it. For serious. Here it is.

“I knw uve all gone & prejudged me and made sum little pact 2 neva talk 2 me.its a shame u can be so niave in ur thinking.ur treatment in d forum is also disgusting. Wat a way 2 welcum ppl or 2 even start a clean slate. Poor form frm all of u”

As funny as it is, it’s also kind of sad. There’s an interesting article on SMH today about online gaming that references online addiction. It says

“Other studies have indicated that people who spend a lot of time online in activities such as web surfing, email and chat rooms are often motivated by loneliness, depression and anxiety,”

Sound familiar much?

No I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about them...

Smart Casual Support Gig

So I got through my 4th night of comedy with flying colours. Marissa and her parents came along so there was added pressure but I think they enjoyed it. It was a pretty surreal night. It was at the Roxbury and it was the downstairs stage which I was at last October here. My mate Michael asked if I wanted to be a part of it and I thought that's a pretty good offer so why not. It was a fund raiser for fellow comics Julia Clark and Smart Casual, the latter happen to be a musical comedy duo who got through to the national finals of Raw last year and are quite funny understandably.

Julia was MC and did a stellar job considering the upstairs noise. Fukn drunks. I went first and did well, I perhaps punned to much but what can you do? Not pun as much. Good suggestion and I'll carry on.

Anyways, for a night of comedy, only Michael and I were straight stand up acts. The rest was a smorgasboard of comedy which was quite excellent really. To close the first bit was Drew Fairleigh, an interpretative dancer who likes the Eagles, Carnovale & Culp who are bizarre good and Smart Casual who were impressive as always. What I enjoyed about their act last night is they have a funny and straight man persona, much like the Blues Brothers in Jake and Elwood I guess but last night the straight man in Ben torched Nick. It was an awesome if somewhat unintentional reversal.

Fuck...I've just read all that crap. What a lot of self indulgent tripe. Better hit publish...

As a bonus here's Smart Casual's Raw National Final gig from last year.

New Jersey

I got my new Warriors jersey today. I plan on wearing it while I sit on the couch with my short shorts and footy while I watch the Warriors. It's on in half an hour and boy am I excited. I'll take a photo perhaps. Go look it up yourself actually, what am I, your jersey bitch? Fuck.

ECRL - Bus Version

I had to catch the bus along the ECRL as it needed maintenance. It's not nearly as glamorous - flossy flossy.

On both trips there were people filming or taking photo's. I laughed at them and thought of my own behaviour like here, here or here and then checked myself before I wrecked myself.

There was also the most precocious little shit of a kid on the bus sitting behind me. I contemplated kicking open the safety window, dragging his face along the shards of glass that I had created and then chucking him out the window timed so he would bounce under the wheels of a passing truck. He said stuff like "What rhymes with mocket" or "What rhymes with meeway" It wasn't his fault, it was his old slut of a grandma. Grandparents are responsible for encouraging shit behaviour like this. Kill the grand parents and the child dies as no one pays it attention. I was tempted to say what rhymes with mother fucking shut up but instead I put in my headphones gritted my teeth and muttered for the love of god for about 5 mins. Upon reflection I probably looked like more of a fuckwit than the kid.

Ah well.

Announcements

When I get home I like to announce to the house what I'm about to do. A normal monologue will be - "Hi house, I'm taking off my pants" or "Hi house, I'm going to take a massive shit"

I don't get a response nor do I expect one but it's nice to think that house is listening and thinking, "Oh that Crazy Cashman. When will he learn?"

Kitchen Stadium

Some restaraunts in Manly are trying to beat the crap out of each other here.

Manly Council has threatened to take away their outdoor licenses if they don't settle down. Where will they take it if they can't take it outside? Into Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium, that's where. They would love it, a cook off then a punch up afterwards. That's value.

Anyways, back to the story. If I read that I could get a meal and the possibility of a punch up, I wouldn't be deterred in going to the place. I'd think of ways to aggravate them like I'll only enter your restaraunt if you punch one of the opposition waiters in the face. Probably not subtle, but it'd be entertaining,

Moist

Moist is frowned upon as word but I wish it wasn't. Damp is fairly similar and it's used a lot more freely, rising damp, creeping damp, dampener, damper.

I'd like to think that moist could get as popular. Is it onomatoepeia? I don't think so. Squirt is apparently. Maybe I should try to make that more popular.

I squirted with excitment. I squirted in frustration. I violently squirted.

I like it already.

In the mean time here's a character I believe called Pedo Bear slurping noodles. Notice the "Zuru Zuru" You could almost say the soup is squirting in his mouth.

Footy Season

It starts tonight and I'm quite damp with excitement. It should be a cracker but I'll miss both games. Ah well.

I'll be washing my jersey and wearing it with pride tomorrow at 5:30pm though. It's the Warriors vs Parramatta and I knid of hope they do well. I'm anxious, kind of like the first time you do a poo at your new workplace.

Go team go!

Comedy Review

Well I'm onto gig 4 out of 4 for the week. Last night was good at the Mic In Hand. It was a nice crowd but they were slow to warm up - partly because I muffed my first joke. Listen to the recording here. You've only got 10 days to listen to it so chop chop!

Not too bad I guess. I'm doing this as the first half of my gig tonight and then adding some more shiz at the end to round out the 10.

Go Team Cashman!

Tuna.

I bought this tuna for lunch tomorrow. I got 3 cans all up. Tastebuds get ready!



It lists its contents as Tuna (65%), Vegetable Oil (18%) water and salt. That leaves water and salt to make up 17% of the contents. Seeing as I paid 89c for this tin, it means I paid 31c for water, salt and oil. I think that’s a bad deal.

Focus Groups

I went to McDonald’s market research last week. It was pretty ace. I got paid $75 and I got to eat up to and including 5 burgers. I ate 2 in their entirety and about ¼ - ½ of the others so let’s just say I had 3 burgers all up. They wanted to find out about why people don’t use the drive through, bun sizes and thoughts on pork vs beef. It was all very interesting.

Seeing as it was a focus group, we all sat around a table and discussed life and burgers. On a side note, with McDonald’s I find people go through life cycles. They really wanna go as a child and they’ll brag about it to their friends at school. When they’re a teen it’s all they can really afford when out with friends and for some reason it’s cool to be seen with degenerate losers at Hungry Jacks Central station for example. Young adults will go to Macca’s after a big night out but they start to deny going there and that it’s unhealthy and then as an adult they’ll deny all knowledge of going there at all. Back on track, this focus group was comprised of adults and one of the questions was “How do you use McDonalds?” Funnily enough, everyone said “Oh, I uh, go there every now and again but I don’t do it all the time” It’s a research group; you’re allowed to admit you go there for real.

I said I get it for the odd cheeseburger and for the end to a drunken night out which is pretty true. Seeing as it was a focus group I did my best to unfocus people and made comments how I’ll return my burger if there isn’t an even distribution of seeds on my bun and the gherkin has to be a particular green or otherwise I’ll flick it onto the ceiling. The guy who ran it was a short bald man with a severe look on his face. He dressed in a blue synthetic shirt and looked a little like Nosferatu but slightly better fed. He also had an enormous arse. It was gigantic. I don’t normally check out other guys junk but it was immense. He should get out more.

Free Anchovies

I like anchovies. Their salty skeletal state makes me feel good. I worked out how to get free anchovies on a Domino's pizza the other day.

If you order online you're able to sub in and out up to 2 ingredients for free. If you get a Supreme well you have a stack of ingredients on there already so you're able to sub out something like onions which no one really looks forward to for Anchovies which is something that some people like.

I guess my title wasn't 100% accurate then. It should read Free Anchovies - No Onions.

I'll leave it to your imaginations then. Here is a Royalty free Onion image with not an anchovy in sight.

Bargain

Today I cashed in my Munch time card at the local 7-11. There’s a deal that means every time you buy a sandwich from them they’ll give you a stamp. Ever the schemer, I’ve been buying roast chicken sandwiches at $3.95 every now and again over the past 3 weeks and I made it to 5. Woohoo! Good work Ray. Thanks.

Anyways, I chose a ham and egg sandwich and I was told I got a free bottle of coke as well. The Sandwich I chose cost $5.95 and the coke retails for $3.70 apparently. That means that for a $19.75 outlay I got $29.40 worth of value. Another way of looking at it is that lunch cost me $3.29 per day over 6 days. Another way of looking at it is that after I cashed in on the free stuff each Chicken Sandwich actually cost $2.02.

Which is the most correct? Who knows?

Probably not this guy.

Cripple Fight!

Disabled men 'forced into fight club' at Corpus Christi State School in Texas. Read more here.

Apparently some carers forced some disabled people into fights by provoking them. Someone filmed it and then lost their phone they would've gotten away with it too if those pesky cops hadn't found it. If I were to find a phone I'd go to the photo's and or video section right away to see what sort of nasty freaky shit the last owner had on it cos you might get lucky. Sometimes you'll even find a cripple fight. It's unfortunate that this time it fell into the hands of the law.

Anyways, stuff about reform and things but the article goes on to say.

"It's some of the worst child abuse I've seen in over 30 years,"

Ok. So explain this then.

...They suffered only minor injuries.

I don't want to appear to be a jerk, but I will. I'm wondering what it is captain? Is it the worst ever abuse or is it just minor injuries? Maybe you haven't seen that much in your 30 years after all.

RWOC 1 Corpus Christi Police Captain 0

Protests? Denied!

You know what I haven't seen lately? A good protest

I wonder what's happening in the world of protests? Let's search.

Wow! There's a site called protest.net! It's a calendar of protests internationally. Please go to one and live me dream. I beg you!

I don't actually know what my dream is but just do it.

Until then enjoy this random protest photo I found.



Capitalism does rock you crazy people from an English speaking country of some description.

Comedy half done for the week

I have four gigs this week and I've just done 2, that's pretty intense. When I started I think it took me about 6 weeks to complete 4 gigs. That means I'm 6 times as good as I was when I started. Probably not actually, but I do believe I'm somewhat better.

Gigs so far include Rob's graduation gig with Amanda and Dave Smiedt in front of about 60-70 people and Comedy on the Edge in front of 8. The Bedroom Philosopher was on last night and was ok. He got a bit distracted by this 70 year old bum who spoke all through his set. Mark who runs the Edge threw him out. It was funny as Mark isn't very confrontational. B.Phil as I now call him then sang a song about being asked to leave a comedy night which was quite funny and timely. I dropped my blind joke again and it landed well so I'll keep it going I guess.

Tomorrow is Mic In Hand so it should be a great night. Fire up Cashman!

Comedy Set List

I found my set list from LA. It's below.



Out of those comics, Howie the MC was good and Rich Aronovich and Miguel Fierro were good. The rest were ok. Apparently Rich did the East coast talkshow tour and was quite successful, perhaps we'll see more of him shortly. He did this one gag with his hair and the microphone and...you just had to be there. These are the breaks.

Tardiness

I witnessed a freak wheelchair accident today. It was ok as both victims had already lost the use of their legs. It made me late to work and when I got there I had an email from my boss titled Tardiness asking why I was late. I hit the reply button so the subject read Re:Tardiness. I hit send and thought that will do.

It’s hard to get off at St Leonards Station.

If I catch a train I like to get off without explaining myself. I shouldn’t have to explain myself especially if I have a valid ticket. This is no longer the case at St Leonards station because of charity collectors. I avoid eye contact and try to get through but they always see me, probably because I’m not a ninja. They’ll say hi and because I’m a smiley guy I’ll smile back. They then make you feel bad about smiling at them when in fact I’m making their crappy jobs better by presenting them with some human kindness.

I had to go to Chatswood today which meant I had to go back to St Leonards and run the charity gauntlet. The one today said that she always sees me (lies) and that I’m always in a hurry (lies again) and that I should stay and talk (unlikely). These interactions are always so awkward and I find myself justifying myself just to walk away from them “Oh sorry that I left the station and walked through the section where you’re mindlessly cluttering up the walkway and stopping me from getting back to work” I shouldn’t need to say that at all I should just yell “Leave me the fuck alone backpacker”

They also promote the spread of germs with all their hand shaking. It’s all about personal contact because when you’ve touched well then you’ve forged a bond of sorts. I don’t want your germs charity collector. I’d much prefer it if you got your chestal’s out to touch but I doubt that will happen with consideration to decency and all that.

Anyways, I think they’re rather futile. Don’t they know that people hate people these days? I’d much prefer to take care of number one than pay for some malnourished midget with one lung and scabies to learn how to swim or whatever they’re collecting for. I find myself making up elaborate lies to fob them off these days. I’ll say stuff like “I rotate my charities on a 12 month basis and I donated to insert charity 3 years ago so if you’re back here in 2018 I’ll be sure to sign up then” That usually does the trick.

Try it yourself and let me know how it went.

Stats and Melina

I wrote up some stats on the longest thread in the world that is on Facebook. It's been going since October last year and won't stop. Anyways, I sent these stats and a pie chart to a fellow comic Melina and she blogged about it. I only found out as I was doing one of those lazy Saturday morning Google searches for yourself.

Anyways, here it is. Have a look at the rest of Melina's blog while you're there, she won't mind.

I think she likes Anson...

ECRL Massive - Two Weeks On.

ECRL - I've been riding this thing for two weeks and it's mostly good.

It's pretty quick and only takes about 16 minutes and the great thing is that there's almost always a connecting train within 3 minutes of you getting off your train. They run every 15 minutes and the best thing is that it's free for another 88 days. Yippee!



Here's a photo of my first day on board

The downside is that it takes about 2 minutes to get from platforms 5 & 6 to ground or vice versa when you're at Epping and if you catch the lift you feel like you're going to some subterranean hell hole but it's about 1 minute faster.



Plus there is the longest escalator in the world (above) connecting you to the concourse under platforms 1-4 from 5&6 and invariably some jerk will stand in the overtaking lane. Also you have to buy a ticket to cover the end part of the trip. I started buying a weekly from Chatswood to St Leonards cos I couldn't stand listening to some fuckwit ask how much a ticket to Pennant fucking Hills was each fucking morning. How bout you just pay the fucking fare and fuck off? Seriously.

Also Macquarie Uni is the first stop so all these retards will sit down only to get off one stop later. Try standing for 4 minutes you fucking retards and don't rush past me when you realise it's your stop. Fuck man, seriously wake the fuck up. How hard is it to stand in the fucking vestibule area. Get a fucking clue or catch a shitty bus you fucking social fucking leper. They won't even flip the seat the right way so you're left facing one of these fucking retarded cretins while they flap around in their fucked up existence.

Finally, the service stops at 9:30pm which is crap.

All in all the good is good and the bad is caused by fuckwits who don't think not state transit (except for the escalator and the running times bit) so I can't be too angry. Please enjoy some photo's while I sharpen a stick to fuck some Mac Uni students up with. Fucking degenerates the lot of them.



North Ryde - Similar to Macquarie Park Below.

More Rubble Than Barney

Yabba Dabba Doo.



Wasn't Pebbles hot? Bam-Bam would've brutalised that shiz when he grew up.

Randy's Donuts GTA Style - Shortlisted!

Randy's Donuts GTA Style,

Some site called Schmap got in contact with me wanting to use my crappy photo I took from my iPhone.

It turned out pretty hot I must admit for just a snapped shot. I may have missed the deadline though, let's hope it gets through, it's pretty special if you ask me.

Sign of the Times

I put another crazy sign up in the foyer which I should've thought of originally.



Surprisingly, no-one responded.

The Only Man That Could Ever Reach Me...

Was Phil Waugh. Well tecnically his son if you listen to the lyrics. Preaching at a church near you soon.

Guys who shouldn't wear singlets

I just vommited in my mouth. No-one needs to see that shit.

Best. Photo. Ever.

Thanks Jamie.

View of a Ditch

What did you expect?

Voltron Shoes!

I got some Reebok Limited Edition shoes for my bday from Ris. They kick ass.

I got the Red Lion ones cos they go faster. Here's all five of them in a row.



Here's the back of the black one.



If I could let a shoe impregnate me I would so totally let it. I would bear little spiky haired trainers in 5 colours and we would live in the side of a mountain and be blissfully happy.

When will they learn?

I find a lot of discarded items but this one just makes me sick.


It looks like a girl's thong. Makes me so very, very sad. It's so close to freedom but it's still enclosed in concrete, steel and glass. It will never know love and that is the ultimate tragedy.