Ray's World of Charm

The Roosters Warriors game in round 18 was one of the last times I was truly happy. The game itself displayed some great attacking footy and the day itself was a bright and sunny one. There was the issue of tickets being $28 but what can you do eh?

As we wandered into the ground there was a Happy Harold Van.

It was a strange place to have a Happy Harold van. There was a crowd of 8000 and I'd assume that maybe a third of those were children at the most. I guess that means that there was 2000-2500 kids or thereabouts so I guess it could work but it's still strange. I then figured it out. It's there to educate the footballers about the dangers of STD's and public defecation.

As we left there was a bloke wearing a Cowboy hat. It wasn't the first time a Warriors fan has worn questionable headware and probably won't be the last but I thought I'd take a photo of it anyways.

That was my day the the football.

I went to a 21st for one of the fam and they had those little glitter 21 things on the table like so.

With some creative number splitting I created the following equation:

And this one:

Yes, I am a Mathemagician.

It’s off to Canberra today for Green faces. There will be dudes I do know like Billy and Damian and John and then a couple of randoms as well. It’s apparently a sell out show. The MC is kinda decent or so they say. Some Irish guy called Jimeoin…never heard of him.

The battle rages!

Attention a pair of Ladies Shoes/Boots have been found in a brown paper bag in the foyer. If anyone has lost them please contact the building mgr.

Sign on the Right:

Lost: One brown paper bag containing a pair of ladies shoes.
The shoes are of minor concern, however, I would like the paper bag back as it has been in the family for generations and is of major sentimental value.

Sometimes Cashman you are too good.

I've been working on this poem but I'm not too sure how to finish it.

Crack in the pavement;
Yo I'll step around it.
A crack in your body
Yo I'll pound it; genital surround it.

Any ideas?

When a celeb dies I always find it awkward to think of them whilst engaging in solo pleasure. I have sent all my HIStory wall posters to the Op Shop.

Good luck peeling them apart...

Pretty grotty story at SMH.

Accused of letting rats chew girl's toes off

Three people have been accused of letting rats bite a six-week-old girl and chew off her toes at their cluttered Ohio caravan home.

How does that even happen? I'll tell you what, there won't be too much this little piggy going on in that household.

This probably should freak you out a fair bit.

It will also have you asking.

"What's that sound? I like that sound. I love that sound. It's the sound of my shoes"

It's my new favourite song.

Last time we found some clothing, it was a brown glove in the toilets, this time, I have no idea what we have.

It could be a do-rag but the again it might not be as it was outside the primary school. Still those gang bangers are getting younger so it could be some yr 4 kid gone to a life of crime early. His blood are going to bust his chops for losing his rags though. I'd hate to be in his club meeting when he fesses up.

I've noticed some sad trees in Epping lately. I'm sure there are more sad trees of Epping than the two I'll show you but I'm sure you'll agree that they are both particularly sad.

This one has potential but is particularly sad because of it's lack of water. It's like Estelle Getty in her later years, all brown, withered, dry and senile.

This one has been butchered to the wazoo but still stays green. It's the little amputee that could but it's not hiding the fact there should be more foliage on it. It is currently doing the comb-over of the tree world albeit, quite unsuccessfully. In the end, it's just sad.

He's totally wild and untamed and about 99% hair free. Yes it's Cracker Wolverine!

I should really stop giving away what the post is about in the titles. Where's the suspense?

Here's a Truck that delivers Tofu but it's not just any tofu, it's fortune tofu.

I wonder if you crack it open whether or not there would be a soggy fortune inside? It's far more nutritious than cookies, that's for sure.

Here's another of my award winning wildlife snaps. It's Albino Moth.

Albino's are like the ranga's of the animal world. No one knows where they came from, they're not accepted and in some cultures they're eaten. The day after I took my blurry photo of Albino moth, he was gone. I think someone ate him.

On the train the other day I saw this piece of graffiti.

Who is DOOIE? It seems kind of irrelevant if you're not going to give us a back story. Maybe it stands for Do Ovaries Ovulate In Easter? I doubt it but it's nice to think of possibilities.

It has nothing on this guy.

He was not secretive at all. I felt like saying "Dude, keep that shiz on the d-lo" but then he kicked an old woman and I just walked away cos it wasn't my problem. I was lucky to even get this photo.

That's the lengths I go to for you guys. Are you not entertained?

Now because of my blog ingenuity, I've broken the biggest TV story of the year one way or another.

Best. Blogger. Ever.

I heard from a good source that the winner is Julie.

You heard it here first.

Here she is crying after her win.

I heard from a good source that the winner is Poh.

You heard it here first.

Here she is threatening Julie with a rolling pin.

I had my first proper comedy gig in about 3 weeks last night at Star Bar and it went well. I've been a bit mopey cos I haven't been able to perform but it was a very solid set with a decent applause break at the end of my blind cock sucking joke. I now go into a decent run of comedy culminating in the wedding pretty much. Go Cashman!

If you're keen I'm at the Roxbury hote in Glebe next Weds at 8pm. Get to it!

Or not...

I caught this on Rage this morning.

It's St Vincent aka Annie Clark with her first single Actor out of Work from her new album "Actor". The filmclip will make you feel funny but the song is tops. At 1:01 it looks like the guys face will melt off and her head shaking will make you feel self conscious at 1:30.

I only buy the Sunday Papers for the Sunday magazine but I can't help but feel it's a bad deal. It'd be like buying a red delicious apple just for the little sticker.

Here's a topical one for you all.

Doesn't Mick Hucknell

Look a little bit like Susan Boyle.

Mick's got bigger tits though.

I have a new one. It's like a urinary version of chicken.

I like going to the toilet at work and backing up as far as I can and urinating into the cistern. So far I can get about 3 steps back, or just in line with the sink. I'm not game enough to try another step back as I don't want to have to explain the puddle of stinky yellow stuff on the floor if someone catches me.

Amazon has the collection of 7 hardcover books from $118. That's gotte be worth at least $120. Bargain!

Sometimes life treats you well. Like when you need to boil the kettle and it's already 2/3's full or when you get down to the final 500ml of a 2L bottle of cordial so you can just fill it full of water and have 2L of ready to drink cordial.

Yes that's how good it can get,

It's the question every curious Sydney Pedestrian has wondered about our trams. Today a brave 50 year old asian man had a look himself. Read more here.

That photo is an absolute winner.

It reminds me of a joke.

Q: Which one is the odd one out? A crab, a lobster, a snapper or an Asian under a bus?

A: The Snapper, the rest are all Crustaceans.

Best. Tram. Joke. Ev0r.

Pantyclimax - Ejaculates at the sight of women's lingerie.

I made up a new one.

Phallusy - When a man lies about his penis size.

You are hilarious Cashman

Isn't it just delicious? I just made myself a breakfast of champions, two bacon and egg sandwiches with bbq sauce, salt and pepper with a frosty mug of coola cordial. Oh yeah! I found some salami in the fridge and was thinking about putting it in my sandwich but I didn't quite get there in the end. I read the ingredients though and it went on to say that it was made fermented manufactured meat which was not heat treated.

Ewwww....if I'd known that before I'd eaten it the very first time, I'm not sure I would've eaten it. Then you start thinking about stuff that's fermented, like milk products make cheese sort of, and grapes make wine and hops and barley makes beer so I guess fermentation is ok. Fermentation is a pretty odd process. Someone would've had to have watched a perfectly good piece of food rot then thought, "Hey let's give it a couple of days more before we eat/drink this thing." I like to imagine it was a hobo who was dumpster diving, he didn't have anything to lose and so he went for it, got drunk and that's why we have the association of homelessness and drinking.

New Harry Potter starts on Thursday. Should be moist. I can't wait to check out Hermione who has just gotten hotter and hotter since Philosophers Stone. The new movie means I can re-hash my Harry Potter jokes like so;

New Harry Potter is out soon. Because it's their second last year of school, I'm hoping for lots of underage spell casting, drunken broom riding and wet robe contests. Do you remember when the last book came out? They had to put it into lock down in a warehouse on the Central Coast which is quite smart really because if a Coastie found a book, they'd be fucked if they knew what to do with it.

Thank you thank you, your applause is far too kind.

I never knew he was such a talented man. Pity about teh gh3yness.

His Pacino, Walken and Hepburn are all very impressive. The actors studio guy is a scary, scary man though...

I just brought home 9.5kgs of bulk purchased candy. I'm going to go out and probably buy about 5 more kgs. We got the largest bag of Gummi bears I've ever seen. It should be total hotness.

In other news, I was watching Top Gun and the volleyball scene came one. I absent mindedly started scratching my nuts which felt like I was almost having a sly wank. I got self conscious and stopped watching and then locked myself in the toilet.

In SMH today there was this article.

It goes on to say the key to a successful marriage is:

If your parents are together (check)
If you're roughly the same age (check)
Over 25 when you marry (check)
Love anal (check)

One of those statements weren't in the article. Your comprehension homework is to read through the article and point out which one is isn't.

As for me, it looks like it's going to be a Happy Wedding. Huzzah!

Matt found this on his walk today.

They're big white men with big red engorged bits and they're about to engage in some carnal fun. Where was your invite? Probably in the post.

Well played Mr Grafitti Artist, well played indeed. The only thing that could make this better is if he drew faces of orgasmic pleasure on the dudes but really, that's about all that's missing. It's a celebration of an alternate lifestyle that some of us will never truly understand.

I was thinking about songs I once enjoyed and this came to mind.

It's Mount Sims and Rational Behaviour. It sounds a little Beck Sexxlawsish dontcha think?

I was watching Michael Jackson's Bucharest Concert and I was interested in his clothing.

He's wearing a golden vest which I believe is a fencing jacket. I used to wear one when I fenced back in high school. How bizarre. I don't think he's ever fenced and so he probably has no need to wear it.

It's not the first time fencing gear has popped up on television. I can think of three occasions off the top of my head which are:

1) The crazy sweaty fencers from Total Eclipse of the heart

2) Madonna in Die Another Day

3) That Just for Men dye ad where they fence and the chick gets stabbed and she says "You nailed me" I can't find a video of it.

Anyways, my point is that fencing is totally relevant even today.

Update:

I remembered that a fencing jacket is called a plastron. Totally Rad Man!

For some reason people in the UK have been redirected through to RWOC if they search for "testicle popping."

I decided to search for testicle popping myself and came up with this rather disturbing fanfic where a teacher instructs some young skank on how to crush some guys nut. If you're a guy I dare you to read this without crossing your legs.

I was also given a Yahoo Answers link "Is it possible to pop a testicle?"

The answer is yes.

Upon further review, it turns out that the fanfic site is called Eunuch Archive. It looks like their German translator is busy. It's easy to translate German though, scheisse, aschlock and kunst are all you need. Kunst means art. Anyways, read this and any problem you have will seem irrelevant.

My favourite is BangleBalls and he Avatar quote "Dick or no dick I'm still a Dude" I'm pretty sure the guy with the dick isn't a guy that's just tried to chop it off. It seems that there's a select group of guys who get off on the prospect of chopping their weiners off which is called a penectomy. I don't even have words for this. What's the female equivalent? A chick that wants to fill themselves in with a bag of quickdry cement? The Eunuch Archive would have you believe it's a pretty fast growing community and the statistics back this up.

In the last month alone, the Eunuch Archive has had over 650,000 visits, nearly 21 million hits, and used close to 300 gigabytes of bandwidth.

If those numbers hold up, the whole world will be dickless very very soon.

Slow Motion is pretty funny except for when you're a snail or a sloth, then it's your life. Bullets are funnier cos they can damage stuff. Food is funny cos it's edible. When you combine it all it makes for hilarity!

That shit is bananas! How totally destroyed does it get?

Allow me to answer. Like totally destroyed.

We found our rings the other week which is ace. Hooray.

They are nice and simple like a child with a low intellect that's been left in a urine soaked sandpit. Hooray.

I decided to search for rings and found a guide on buying lesbian wedding rings. Funnily enough it doesn't include these helpful tips "Because lesbians fist all day they'd have to be waterproof and they would also have to have no sharp edges on them."

It's a little more practical. Read more here.

I'm sorry about writing mean things about lesbians though. Seriously. Why are you so quiet? There's a lesbian behind me isn't there?

The Forum 7's season continues and we just finished another game. This round we were up against the St Mary's Cougars and we won quite convincingly. I won Player of the Match for my effort entitled "Coping with Loss." Here it is below:

Coping with Loss.

The Warriors are underperforming this season and it’s hurting me. It was expected that the Warriors would build on their 2008 campaign and pose a genuine threat; instead the only thing they’ve threatened is my lust for life. Instead of expectantly awaiting finals football, most Warriors fans are merely waiting for the season to end. Some fans have even compared the current campaign to 2004 which, arguably was the worst season in Warriors history. To put that season into perspective, it’s almost as bad as watching the Kiwi’s win the World Cup if you are a Kangaroos fan, or watching Queensland win their fourth Origin Series in a row if you are a Blues fan, or if you’re a Queenslander at any point in history.

For most Warriors fans, myself included, the season died at 7pm Saturday June 27, 2009, or full time against the Gold Coast Titans. It’s now common to read about thoughts of next season which is terribly sad. Warriors fans now find themselves in that purgatory where they’ve spent 6 months waiting for the season to start, only to spend the next 6 months wishing the season would end.

It’s Round 16 and I’ve resigned myself to another season gone. As I watched the game draw to a close on Saturday night I felt the last spark of hope flicker and die within me. To be honest, I felt that spark dim a little when the Warriors chose to take the shot at goal instead of the tap in the 15th minute but, I still had hope and 65 mins on my side. I should’ve known better. As such, everything since that moment has been grey and flavourless, a bit like the gruel served up in Oliver, however only Titans fans, the League impoverished, or the sado-masochistic would ask for more. After that loss, I felt an emptiness which would ensure the long listless hours of Saturday night would blend into the wistful emptiness of a numb Sunday morning. Faced with such a stark reality and with no better options, I climbed into bed at 7:15pm and wept myself to sleep.

Sunday was pure misery. I decided to go to the shopping centre and brood for a bit. My fiancé asked what I was doing and I replied in a mono-sybyllic grunt. Out I stepped with my black hoodie, black jeans, and black shoes. I combed my hair forwards so it would block out the sun and I moped around with my hands in my pockets, ignoring every happy person I could. After wandering around I saw a water feature and a bunch of similarly tortured souls leaning against it so I stood nearby and allowed the silence and brooding to bond us. Eventually one of them spoke up:

“Tigers suck man”

It was a balding man in his late 30’s with a slight paunch and a look of defeat on his face. His comments were a self reflection and statement of fact. He spoke again.

“We haven’t done anything since 2005. We suck”

The other forlorn figures nodded with their own thoughts and burdens. Through a series of grunts and one word answers I found out that they were from Bondi, the Shire, and Balmain. The guy from Bondi showed us a couple of photo’s on his phone.

“That's me in 2001-2005. See how happy I was? Then 2006/07 happened and I started listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and Linkin Park CD’s.”

I looked at his well chewed fingernails as he pressed the “next” button. They were painted black. I felt his gaze on me and looked up. Surrounding the wells of self-pity that doubled as his eyes, was a faint black smudge. He was an emo! I backed away as he wiped his drooping black fringe from his eyes and in that moment I realised that if I kept up my self pitying behaviour I too would turn emo.

With that glimpse at my future I raced home. I crammed my “Mighty Warriors” DVD into the DVD player and watched seasons 2002/03 and felt some of the colour come back into my life. My answer now is to live in the past instead of the present. I’ve already arranged my next viewing of that DVD. It’ll be 7:30pm, this Friday night when the Broncos play a team that I still love, just not this season.

Yeah, I rock.

I saw this on the side of the street. I can only imagine that someone has attacked the pram with a hubcap, the baby has bailed and the attacker has destroyed the back pram wheels in the process. The baby crawled home to safety and met up with his minders when the danger had passed.

I think that's about right.

If you haven't already seen Transformers 2, perhaps you should read this FAQ over at Topless Robot. It addresses about every plot hole and continuity flaw in the movie except for one of mine about Optimus now being invincible. Anyways, it's a bit of a dud movie, and I guess it's disappointing but I'm not sure why it's being derided so hardcore. I mean, all the fan boys expected the first to be complete crap but it wasn't and we all know that sequels with the exception of perhaps Godfather and Aliens are always shit so really, Transformers 2 being shit was inevitable.

Here is perhaps the best thing about the whole of Transformers 2 and that only lasts for about 30 seconds.

thanks Drew

Won't be eaten by Ray.

When did Mars bars become so unpopular? Maybe someone needs to freeze them and chuck them at a deaf child.

I like making up simple lies that are completely implausible. Stuff like I collaborated with D12 on Purple Pills, or I was the artistic inspiration for the character of Jafar in Aladin.

What lies do you enjoy?

I started sorting through the music in our library to put together a new playlist for my iPhone at about 6pm and finished about half an hour ago at 9:00pm. Before that I just had a special mix of songs of 07 and the Vice City soundtrack. It took me about a year to get sick of that playlist cos there is only so many times you can listen to the Human League I guess.

Anyways, out of the 5700 odd songs I picked out 677 which is about 1 in 9 so that's a decent representation. It's a mix of stuff that Ris has downloaded and old favourites. Currently, Peaches' Talk to Me is playing from her latest LP "I Feel Cream" Before the sort, I hadn't listened to it. Look at that Cashman, broadening your horizons on a Sunday night.

Speaking of broadened horizons, I was at Christopher's place yesterday and he introduced me to this gem

A reliable source informs me that it was the #4 selling single in the UK during its year of release.

I'm going to go download some Steppin' Out now. Only one person will understand that.

What. The. Fuck.

I saw this on one of the countless MJ tribute hours on Music Max. I've never even heard of this song before. It's apparently part of the Free Wily 2 soundtrack and can be found on HIStory. I must've skipped it every time.

The song opens with the refrain "Have you seen my childhood?" Is it just me or is that euphemism for something far more sinister? Why didn't the makers of Free Willy 2 stop and take a second to go "Something's not quite right, I think this dude is crying out for help"

Now no one will see MJ's childhood ever again. How sad.

So not much has really happened today except for the ARU and John O’Neill saying “He knows what he’s done and if he doesn’t know we’re not going to tell him” It sounds like a lovers tiff gone wrong really.

“What did I do?”

“If you don’t know by now you’ll never know so I’m not telling”

Wow. That’s really progressive ARU. Grow some balls and try to at least get the public on your side by making the reasons for the sacking transparent, although, he’s probably guilty of something completely trivial like leaving the toilet seat up at ARU HQ or he said that the ARU’s sister in law is a fat slag.

It’s quite funny how the ARU threw $1mil a season at Lote to keep him away from Souths, almost in a bid to spite League from not having their “toy” and when they realised that no-one cared about the signing and that wasting $1mil on a winger was actually a bad idea, they’ve now tried to distance themselves from Lote and transfer the issue and blame on him.

For some reason the ARU has decided to terminate Lote Tuqiri's contract. They've done it effective immediately but won't say why.

Air Lote as we'll affectionately call him, was Australian Union's highest paid player and was contracted until 2012. What happened? Did they just figure out he used to play league or something? He shouldn't feel too bad cos International Dell has picked up and done pretty well over the last 12 months. Lote has been pretty useless recently so it's not unwarranted but the word on the street is it's player behaviour.

I remember when he played against the Roosters in his Debut season back in 2000 or thereabouts. He was so bad. He contested about 3 or 4 bombs and dropped them all. It's been a hell of a ride since then but now it seems it's all over. That said, if he heads back to League, I'm sure a club will pick him up. If not, he'll just go to French Rugby.

Wow. It's July. That means there's only 6 months of this decade left. It also means those crappy EoFYS ads are over and done with. Fuck you Foxtel.

What else is happening?

July 1 is the 182nd day in the year (183rd in leap years) It's Pamela Anderson (42) Debbie Harry (64) Missy Elliot (38) Liv Tyler (32) Princess Di (46 if alive) Dan Ackroyd (57) and Christian II of Denmark (618 if alive) birthday today. A big happy bday y'all!

We have a work experience girl in the office this week. She's apparently hyper-intelligent and is doing 14 units of study for next years HSC or maybe it's the year after. I didn't find this out first hand, I heard it from others.

This means that she was in Kindergarten when I was doing my HSC which puts my age into perspective in a wild way. It also means that I feel uncomfortable about saying hi to her because I don't wanna seem like that pervy office guy and instead I leave her to her silence in the little corner office.

Be a man and say hi to a 16 year old. Oh that's right, if they're fully formed they're threatening. You make me sick Cashman.

Speaking of retarded sisters, I heard a joke on the bus. These school kids were swapping jokes and one of them says,

"What's Eva Longoria's retarded sister called?"

"Eva Mongoria"

I lied, there was no bus or kids, I wrote that myself but it's fun to blame children isn't it?

Candice sent me this story today.

It's about little Brooke Greenberg and her inability to grow. Here's a photo.

Isn't she adorable? In this photo she's with her 13 year old sister. The family is getting doctors to check Brooke out but I'm not too sure why. If they unlock the secrets to her lack of aging does that mean that they can go ahead and reverse her current state? That's a lot of fuct up growing she has to do which she probably could do without.

My thoughts are that all these doctors would cost money and, unless her family are sick or Brooke is a mad slut, she's still a virgin. Why not cash in and sell her virginity online? She's legal, and sure it'll be classed as prostitution for tax purposes but it's a real money spinner. There's got to be some sick fuck out there who wants to do a baby and this will be an actualisation of their fantasies. Better yet, after it's done, you could arrest them for being a sick fuck and get them off the streets. Everyone's a winner!

The real winner though is brave little Brooke Greenberg. Her eyebrows and impish grin give me hope every day.

Eat Meat and kick ass!

Thanks Troy

Friday, July 31, 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Monday, July 20, 2009

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

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