Online meltdown.

I'm a member of an NZ Warriors forum. Earlier this year after a pretty spectacular meltdown, a forum member posted this.

"****'s glad to leave the hallmarks of this forum behind. After all, she's never been given a fair go and you all treat her like complete shit all the time. At least there are REAL SPORTS FANS OUT THERE WHO i CAN TLAK TO WHO NEVER TALK DOWN TO MEN LIKE THE MEN OF THIS FORUM. sO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FECKING EGOS AND FUCK OFF."

It took about 2 weeks of normal interaction to get to that point and they left for about two weeks before making a reappearance today. I'm giving it another 2 weeks before another meltdown of epic proportions. I'm kinda looking forward to it but I'm kinda nervous too, kinda like when you drink milk that had a use-by date of yesterday but it still smells ok and you're not sure which end it's going to come out of or how hard. Yeah, exactly like that.

Saints Row 2 - Excellent!

My mate sent me this review last year and it is one of the single greatest things I've ever seen.

I got it for Xmas for myself but because of the festive season and the trip I didn't get a chance to play it till this week.

Let me say that it meets the review and exceeds all expectations. Even making your avatar is awesome. I spent about 45 mins making a stocky asian gentleman that resembled myself and then I got to the make up bit. Suddenly he looked a little bit like Criss Angel but less of a douche and then I found mime face and the 45 mins I'd invested into turning my avatar into me disappeared as I applied a white face and massive red grin. So totally worth it.

The game itself is awesome too. Stuff like tagging rival gangs buildings in shit or picking up grandma's so they can scissor prostiutes in the back of your car make this totally awesome.

I can't stop thinking about bouncing some uni students off the bonnet of my stolen low rider tonight. It will be unwholsomely excellent!

Baffling Foreign Movie Posters

Some classics are butchered here. Poland seems to get picked on a fair bit such as this effort for Weekend at Bernie's



The Czech Republic do, in my opinion, the best job on Ghostbusters.

"Ghostbusters (1984): Patrick from Spongebob tries to avoid being prison-raped by Giant Aardvark Man. Rated PG."

Lethargy - not what it seems.

I typed "Lethargic" into Google images and this was the 12th image that came up. I'd hate to see what constitutes as active.

Guerrilla Poetry Organisation - Call to Arms

I'm part of the GPO aka Guerrilla Poetry Organisation and I received this email yesterday.

"We want pictures of shoes. More specifically, single abandoned shoes. Wherever you find them just whip out the camera, take a few snaps and then email them here."

How bizarre eh? I was able to submit about 9 photo's of crap on the street from this blog alone.

If you want to know more about the GPO go here.

I write under the pseudonym Throwspear. Awesome.

Randy the Ram in Wrestlemania 25!

It's all happening for Mickey Rourke. He's apparently going to be in Wrestlemania 25 as Randy. More here.

He's also apparently hooked up with Evan Rachel Wood. More here. Would you hook up with Mickey Rourke? Evan Rachel Wood. Ba-boom tish!

Finally, he's apparently going to be in Iron Man 2 as a bad dude. More here.

There's even a fascinating bit about Jackie Chan becoming Mr Miyagi. Do or do not, there is no try. Oh wrong trilogy...

Comedy - What if nobody came?

It'd be cancelled.

Comedy in 2009 started much the same way it ended in 2008, cancelled due to lack of interest. There were 4 comics and no audience which was a bit sad I guess. I got given some comp tickets for next time around so if y'all interested and in Sydney hit me up and I'll give you a ticket or two.

I went along to Redfern instead and it was a good night from what I saw. Ah well, onwards and upwards for the next gig.

Gargamel

Whatever happened to Gargamel? His name is kind of like Caramel but he wasn't that sweet. His Wikipedia page pays him out and basically calls him a hobo.

"He is perpetually stooped, his robe is worn and patched, and his teeth are rotten."

I'd be updating that shiz right away if I was Gargamel.

The series finished 20 years ago and no one's heard from him since. I think he's either dead or he's hanging out on a beach somewhere in South East Asia. Dirty bastard.

That leads me to this point...

If I follow a cake mix and only use 1/6th of the ingredients I'll get a cake that's 1/6th of the size of the recipe right? Well Gargamel needed 6 Smurfs to make gold and every episode he always managed to capture 1 or 2, sometimes 3. Why not simplify and reduce the quantities. Work smarter not harder man.

Mac's 25th Anniversary

This was shown during Super Bowl XVIII and heralded a new way to compute.



It was directed by Ridley Scott and was a swipe at IBM apparently. These days, you can now replace all those dudes in grey with Apple Fan Boys with their nano's plugged in tapping away at their Macbooks while buying new apps for their iPhones...oh that includes me.

To compensate here's an ad for a Big Mac.



The chick in the white condom hat is hot. She's be at least 50 by now. Yum.

Greyhound to Vegas - Uneventful

You may recall me mentioning my greyhound trip here.

It was crap. No-one tried to decapitate anyone on the bus. The station was clean. All the passengers were quiet and kept to themselves. There were no addicts. Our baggage guy didn't say ass or nasty ho even once. The closest we got to drama was when this mullet dude had his trashy girlfriend with weird pancake flat breasts push their luggage into the info line. That is not a euphemism although you can use it as one if you wish. I didn't take a photo of them because I was afraid I might get shanked.

Anyways, the highlight/lowlight was stopping off at Barstow, a place on the outskirts of California that is pretty much an afterthought. Here's the foodcourt.



This was their water tower.



I think it was full of disappointment and human misery...

Barstow is a place that no one who dreams should ever live in. If Nightmare on Elm Street was set in Barstow Freddy would have been welcomed as a way to get out of the monotonony that was life there. Barstow. Bad.

Mailing Lists...

This is an excerpt from a crazy mailing list that one of our clients at work sent to us. Thing is we don't even know what we did for this guy...

Hello all you wonderful people out there .....
Yes it is time to make your Christmas complete ....
and to provide you with the comfort, knowledge .....
and security inferred by the fact that .........
I shall be out of reach .......
and un-contactable ........

Yes ..... we shall be shut from today 19th December till 19th January 2009!
Please feel free to call and complain .....
The nice lady will be happy to write them all down and then file them .....
Messages shall be checked ......
Things might happen ......
As long as the bribe contains the appropriate number of bottles .......
Of the correct colour.

I shall be generally be able to make your life easier ......
by either not causing your problems ....
and not having to solve your problems ....
but still giving you someone to blame .....
as usually I have the honour of being responsible for all three!

It has been another tight, busy and exciting year ....
and remarkable strides have been performed by our wonderful office manager Ehren ........
who has managed to get all that ridiculous front end paperwork into some kind of order ......
and keep his desk neat .....
and give me lectures about what I should and should not be doing ....

WTF....

Comedy Returns for 2009

I have my first gig for 2009 tonight and I'm a bit nervous. I'll probably run my tight 7 and get match fit again. I'm planning to go to the Raglan later tonight as well. If so I'll try some new stuff but probably won't commit, watch it bomb and then never perform that material again.

The comment that it's my first gig of 2009 is a lie actually. I did a gig while I was in LA so now I'm an international comic. I managed to snaffle the set list of other comics on that night so I'll have to find it and post it up here at some stage.

There were some decent comics on that night as well as some bad ones but what can you do? I was reasonably well received. My colleague Matt overheard some feedback the next day from two English dudes which went along the lines of that Aussie guy was pretty funny. Winner!

Happy Australia Day!

It was yesterday and all.

Here's a photo of a flag in a pool cos Australia day is all about submerged flags.

We spent the day at Coogee eating seafood and drinking Mexican beer. It was cheap. In these times of economic crisis we have to think about our wallets before patriotism.

At least we weren't at the cricket, although we would have had to go to Adelaide to have done so. I mentioned the cricket because you wear thongs at the cricket which are comfy, but they're not so comfy when the urinal is full and some one is pissing on your feet because they're too drunk to aim properly, yet you can't check to see who it is, as to look down would be totally homo. That's why I was thankful I wasn't at the cricket.

Astro Boy

When I was in the states I found copies of the Astro boy comics translated in English. I got number 8 but for display purposes here's number 3.



Even though I have the 80's animated series in a collector's tin here's the opening theme song. The guitar bit has to be an unlockable in the next Guitar Hero.



I love you Astro...In a totally normal guy loving a boy robot kind of way...

Pittsburg Raiders

Deadly stuff here.

Sexzap returns!

I haven't posted too much recently because of holidays and the like and as such there hasn't been too much traffic here. I still checked to see who was looking and found that I had my first visitor from France. Intrigued I searched further and below is what brought him here.



Yes, he was searching for Sexzap. After having a baguette that morning he turned on Le Mac and typed in Sexzap. He must've been overjoyed when he found chsexzap. What is this Anglo pig dog tomfoolery? Hilarious I say.

The Wrestler

I went and saw the Wrestler on Saturday not knowing too much about it except that it was Oscar bait. It was all in all pretty impressive. Mickey Rourke is perhaps one of the ugliest men in the world and his craggy exterior is well suited to the role. I would've liked to have seen him pile drive Jason Statham into a corner bar but Statham wasn't actually in the film so you can't have it all can you?

The story centres around Rourke's charcter Randy the Ram (which is a pretty hot name for a wrestler, even better for a childrens character) and how much of a shit his life is these days. He has a heart attack and gets a sense of his own mortality and the film becomes a little rushed and laboured to get it's message across from the half way mark onwards but it's still excellent. The bar scene is touching and awkward all at once. All in all it was tops. I found myself cheering for the little fella right to the very end.

Also, if you like looking at boobies, Marissa Tomei gets her set out about every 5 minutes. Excellent.

Happy Chinese New Year!

That's what Happy Dragon said just before he landed on the yellow jumpsuit clan.



He's going to fuck them up Eragon style. Actually Eragon couldn't fuck anyone up because he has no penis.

Describing a Photo

Here's an Internet Meme for 2009. Go to the 4th folder of where you keep your pictures and upload and describe the 4th photo in there. Seeing as it's Chinese New Year and all and 4 is totally unlucky I might go for the 5th folder, 5th photo which is found below.



It's a photo of Marissa's brother Liam getting a hunk of meat cut off a skewer at a restaraunt called Braza on Norton St. They even served charred pineapple on a skewer for desert and chicken hearts but they weren't for desert. They were pretty tasty. How many times can you ever say that you've eaten the heart of an animal?

Forever Hollywood.

You may remember me talking about Carl Alfalfa Switzer in a post over here.

I visited his grave. How bizarre. This cemetary is the biggest craziest cemetary I've ever been to and here lies a guy who shot himself in the dick with just a plaque to remember him by. Life is cruel.



Even crueler are the jerks who visited Mel Blanc's grave.



Not so bad at face value. Then you look at the top:



When did his tombstone become a dumping ground for the shit you have in your pocket? What is Mel Blanc's tombstone going to do with brass wire, a chewy granola bar, a metal circle and some rocks you picked up from the garden you fuckwit? Jerks.. At least he has enough change to buy a red frog. Fukn cheapskate litter bugs... Oh it's the thought that counts. Yeah, stopping to shake down a homeless guy for his change and rubbish is real thoughtful. Putting it on the tombstone of someone you respect makes you a top class philanthropist.

Signal

For a 3 - way.

Stop for a 4 - way.

Did someone say...

Moist? Premium moist in fact. I got so moist that I had to package my snack dill pickle in a pocket of moisture.



All this moisture has made my boyz moist.

This child is a...

Downy.

Cross here if you're a...

Ped.

Access

I've been having trouble updating this thing while I've been over here.

I finally have a fast connection so let's get cracking!

Scientologists

Are everywhere...





I guess it is Hollywood but still. Far out...



L Ron Hubbards Winter Wonderland? Seriously...

Hollywood!

Looks like we got here in one piece. The flight was rather uneventful except for the old Asians in front of us. They were the kind of people who had to flop their chairs all the way back because they could. I reacted passive aggressively of course by elbowing and kneeing the old woman's seat in front of me as much as possible. Nothing happened either way.

Anyways, on account of us going to the States, we get to live through January 6 all over again. My first January 6 was rather crap. I spent what seems like a lot of it searching for stuff that I should've packed ages ago like suit bags and camera chargers. I also ate a Sausage n Egg McMuffin which has made me feel a bit funny all day. Now I get to do fun stuff like go through customs, taking photographs of large donuts like the one below:


Or eating large plates of nachos:


Or taking photos of people in white shirts taking photos of other people:


It's like a choose your own adventure; the possibilities are endless and it's my January 6. Woohoo!

Sonny Fai - Missing

Bad news to start the year for the Warriors. Sonny Fai, one of the more exciting prospects of last season has gone missing off the West Auckland Coast. It's made front page news on SMH.com and is second only to the cricket on foxsports.

My thoughts go out to Sonny's friends, family, fans and team mates.

Tags

I don't know, I might get rid of them. They don't seem to follow any real pattern, rhyme or reason. Till then, please enjoy Tag Team's "Whoomp There It Is"

Stuff

I'm back for a bit. Hope all went well for you and stuff.

I'm now off to LA and Vegas for two weeks to catch the Greyhound that I mentioned over here. This is all I intend to do whilst in the States.

I'll provide updated on our wacky adventures. It should be damp.

Till then please enjoy Calvin Harris' when I go to Vegas.