Le Pétomane - The Fartiste

I was at a comedy covers night last night and so I missed Spicks and Specks last night but luckily for me I recorded it.

There was a blues dude called CW Stoneking who struck me as mildly retarded and other stuff however, the best part of the episode was their strange trivia section where they spoke about Le Pétomane who was the 19th century's highest paid entertainer on the basis of his anal contractions and flatulence on cue.

Read more here at Damn Interesting

Key quotes are: 

Young Joseph became alarmed one day when he was swimming in the sea, and took a deep breath before submerging. As he inhaled, he felt icy cold water entering through his rear end.

He wasn't fingered by a penguin, he was discovering his skills.

He started off with a series of fart impressions… a new bride’s timid toot; her noisy, flapping emissions a week later.

Flapping emissions? Really...

A number of women passed out, unable to breathe in their tightly bound corsets, and had to be escorted from the theater by nurses.

They take care to state that it wasn't from the farting but more from the corsetry which will get you every time if you're a 19th century French dame.

Parking Fail

On second thought, maybe I don't want to go to the gym today.



I love the "Oh fuck" moment at 0:38 - 0:45 where she weighs up her options.

As a bonus, read the comments if you like Asian driver jokes.

Backwards Chick

Watch this, it's fuct up.



On the positives she would have to have non stop anal and if you made her walk forwards the convulsions on your nob would be ace.

On the negative she couldn't do much housework and she'd have to run around like Forrest Gump.

Ultimate Gamer

Just about to watch a new reality series called ultimate gamer, however it's already a year old. They drop 12 gamers into a house and make them play rhythm, sports, fighting and driving games then make them do it in real life. Each week they make people play off in a "fight for their lives" Unless they crush them in a vice or detonate their vital organs, I'm pretty sure they'll live on.

Let's see how this unfolds...

Comedy

I haven't done much of an update lately but I've been busy. I have 3 gigs next week however I may just turn up and watch as opposed to performing. In other news, I recently won a comp to go up to Brisbane and perform over 3 nights at the Sit Down Comedy club. I go up in January and it seems to be pretty well hot.

Go team! I'll be sure to let you know all about it.

Names

I was named after my dad, like 31 years after him.

You suck.

Funeral Insurance or not

There are far too many ads on TV for funeral insurance. I think it's reasonable, the main benefits seem to be peace of mind and the fact that it's so cheap, however there seems to be a bit of clutter in the market. Aussie, Real and the other mob need to think about getting a cutting edge instead of constantly featuring some mopey old poof who couldn't afford to put his wife in the ground.

As mentioned, the low cost is a key here. They seem to all be about $3.50 per week. Why not combine with another product that's $3.50 per week like a pensioner bus pass, or a packet of werthers caramels or one of those Krisco Hampers? The hampers are always popular at this time of year and seem to appeal to the elderly and destitute. I'm sure if they teamed up that they could offer some sort of massive hamper body disposal system. They could then on sell the bodies to pet food companies and gran could make a reappearance at next years xmas gathering. Not only is it economical and green friendly, it ensures that your loved ones keep coming back to your meals for years to come.

Buyers on Ebay have learning disabilities.

What the fuck is wrong with the world? Use Ebay and you will ask yourself this question repeatedly. I'm doing a Cashman clearance sale of stuff I don't use and it seems as though every third fucktard in Australia is bidding/looking at my shit and asking stupid questions.

Like this one from beauticrafts in regards to my Xbox 360 controller auction:

Do you have the original invoice?

No you fuckwit, I don't. Why would I keep the original invoice? What am I, a book keeper? Get fucked.

Or this one from borgerbt

What bank are you with?

One that is none of your fucking business you cunt.

Or this from Monkeymike after asking about making an offer if he had enough money for another auction.

I'm not sure what sort of offer to make, why don't you make me an offer and I'll give you an answer.

Why yes, I'll ask some illiterate fuckwit if i can please sell him my item. I have the fucking item fuckfeatures, you make me an offer that's how it fucking works. I'm sorry you mistook me for someone who gave a shit about your situation and how much you can afford because only ever I go on Ebay to be charitable to fucking morons. I don't need you. GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are 18 people watching this item. Fuck off, look up how an offer works and then go shoot yourself in the cock because you're a piece of shit.

Fuck!

Pigeons

How fat are pigeons getting? Do you ever wonder what their BMI should be?

I do.

Here's some fat pigeons someone took a photo of earlier.

I missed you

Sorry. Let's get this thing going again.