Susan Boyle Misses Out

I was watching the Dogs vs Knights game and during an ad break they flashed Susan Boyle wearing a mumu made of crushed mirror balls up on screen with some text saying that she had lost Britain's Got Talent.

I don't think you could actually say she lost as she's managed to get a record deal and all sorts of shiz worth millions out of it so she's a winner. No real reason to make a mention of it to be honest, I thought I might do so as my thoughts on the 124 girl drove traffic to RWOC to an all time high; one that is never likley to be achieved again because, let's face it, the writing on this blog is subpar.

Read more here, here or here.

The first two sources have video of said mumu, the third source goes on to say she has a potential film deal in the pipelines. Of what exactly? Her reported lack of oxygen at birth and learning difficulties in her later years? Riveting. Her trying to seperate her eyebrows during her teenage years? Delightful. Her expletive laden review of a fellow singer earlier this week? Controversial.

At least there will be no sex in this film. As great a story as this has been we've seen it play out on Youtube, what else could they explore?

In what is perhaps one of the last Susan Boyle posts on RWOC let's look at a host of Susan Boyle Look-alikes.

First up is everyone's favourite Scot outside of Groundskeeper Willy and William Wallace - Fat Bastard.



Second is an old favorite - Nacho Libre!



Last but not least is a childhood favourite. Someone that we haven't seen in a while. I've been lead to believe that they recently entered a singing comp. It's snackfood hero the Gobbledock!



As you can see all three look almost exactly like Susan Boyle.



At least I think that's an image of Susan Boyle I posted. With all these look alike's it's hard to tell who is who anymore.

Nurseryrhymeku's

I tried to start a new trend on Twitter but I don't think it really took off. It's also because I don't really have that many people following me so no one cares but I think it's kinda cool. As the title suggests it's a nursery rhyme told in haiku version.

Here's a couple now.

Cutlery escapes;
Musical Cat, Leaping Cow;
Male Juvenile Laughs.

Jack and Jill ascend;
Fetching H2O, Jack falls;
Hurts head, Jill follows.

Mother Duck goes out;
Quacks after kids, cuts losses.
Continues, one down.

Pretty good eh? Can you guess what they are? Here's a hint: It's not Puss in Boots.

I even got advanced and wrote a nurserylimericku which is a nursery rhyme in limerick form with a rhyming last syllable in the first and third lines. Sounds complex right? It's not that bad. Observe.

Woman swallows fly,
Oh my! If she swallows more;
Perhaps she will die!

Go here to see more of it, well two more to be honest.

Joke

I got this email on Friday.

JOKE OF THE MONTH

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."

It puzzled me. What is the selection process that deemed this “Joke of the Month?” Who was on the selection panel and where are the other finalists for this “Joke of the Month” competition. Can I enter one of my jokes?

On the joke itself, what has possibly gone wrong with a child to require blood and urine tests and why are they in this waiting room unsupervised? Where are the parents? Perhaps if they were present they wouldn’t need blood tests and urine tests. Crying about a cut finger really seems to be the least of this child’s worries.

Apart from the above it’s actually quite funny. Haha.

Top 5 Filmclips

Ris asked me this question tonight. I think, in no particular order I'd have to include a White Stripes/Micheal Gondry collaboration in there somewhere. My choice to represent would be Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground.



It's so unbelievably sad because Meg is such a bitch. You know it's going to go badly as soon as his neighbour doesn't acknowledge him. I just wanna wrap him up and cuddle the poor little dear. I'd never trash your house Jack, I'd sit down and talk about that time I saw you at BDO. You didn't see me, or at least you didn't let on at the time. It was lovely.

If you're interested I also had Danger! High Voltage by Electric 6 in there as well as Praise You by Fatboy Slim, Girls on Film by Duran Duran and Hello by Lionel Richie.

Honourable mention goes out to Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen, purely because of Freddie's knee pads.

Hilarious.

Stroller goes strolling

Walking past Erskineville station, I saw this on their roof.



How does this even happen? An unruly child gets a final warning from a parent...

"Right if you shit yourself once more, so help me god I'll throw you stroller and all on the roof"

Baby with superhuman strength chucks stroller after a dummy spit.

Stoller hi-jackers get half way down the road when they realise there's a baby on board. They panic and then decide to dump the stroller and the baby on the roof.

I like the third option personally.

Top 10 Tunes

I'm sorting out my Nano and looking at playlists. I was quite surprised to see our top 10 most played tracks. I will list them below for you.

1. Flashing Lights by Kanye West Feat. Dwele played 145 times
   
2. Shadows by Midnight Juggernaughts played 145 times
   
3. Hey Ya! by Andre 3000 played 112 times
   
4. SexyBack by Justin Timberlake & Timbaland played 111 times
   
5. Into The Galaxy by Midnight Juggernaughts played 103
6. Kiss by Prince played 103 times
7. Whoo! Alright-Yeah... Uh Huh by The Rapture played 100 times
   
8. Erotic City by Prince played 96 times
   
9. Road To Recovery by Midnight Juggernaughts played 91 times
10. Comfortably Numb by Scissor Sisters played 89 times
    

Congrats to Kanye and Midnight Juggernaughts for equal first place. That said, I didn't realise we were such Midnight Juggernaughts fans, 3 songs in the top 10 is a bit excessive as good as they are and all. We seem to dig Prince a bit too and checking through the next 10, Kanye features again with Estelle. Roisin Murphy is very close to breaking through to the top to with 4 entries between 11-20 and the White Stripes round it out with Blue Orchid in at 20. I guess I'll have to hit Electric 6 pretty hard to get Gay Bar into the 10. That's my task this week.

Battrick

I play an online cricket management game called Battrick which can be found over here.

I've been playing it for about a year which constitutes three seasons in battrick time. I manage a squad called the Brown Tide and I've now gotten my team to a level financially and player ability wise to open an academy. I grabbed my first player from it yesterday, a young buck called Douglas Belgrave.

He's quite sexy and I'm very proud of him. He has a big future in the game. Hopefully he can carve it up and cement a spot as a useful number 4 or 5.

Here are his stats which will mean absolutely nothing to those of you who don't play the game.

17 yo, BT Rating = 6,263
RH Batsman, RFM Bowler. He is a cautious player with abysmal leadership skills and abysmal experience.
He currently has respectable batting form, respectable bowling form and fresh fitness.
Stamina: mediocre Wicket Keeping: worthless
Batting: respectable Concentration: respectable
Bowling: worthless Consistency: abysmal
Fielding: woeful

He's never going to be a captain but he will be that batting rock of ages I've been looking for. Next season, I'll be looking to develop a gun bowler. Go me! Go the Tide!

New Jersey sees a win

I bought the new Warriors Jersey last week, just in time for their dismal 38-12 loss to the Raiders.

I must admit, I do kinda get wound up in blaming jerseys and not players or coaches for losses and so I blamed my jersey. I didn't speak to it, nor look at it for a full week until today. Today, I pulled it out of the bath tub that doubles as our laundry basket and put it on and watched with pride as the Warriors beat the Tigers 14-0. It was more impressive because Kevin Locke made a great two try debut. I like to think that my jumper was, in some way responsible for the win. In fact I'm sure it was. Here's a jersey which isn't in fact mine.

The Fat Fellowship

My building at work is home to a lot of medical suites. On the way back from lunch there was a maxi taxi parked outside and there were three old shaggers getting loaded inside. They were without a doubt three of the ugliest old birds I've ever seen. There was an old bird in a wheel chair getting strapped into the back compartment being watched by some old bird with a bun and beady eyes and some fat chick with her legs sticking out of the passenger side door, kinda wriggling like a bug that you've flipped on its back.

Anyways, these chicks were all illin' cos they were at the medical centre and they were all being transported to some sort of ugly farm. I like to think of it as an ugly fellowship of the ring, however, if I was driving that taxi, I'd drive down to Kirribilli, put it into neutral and then just roll the van down the hill into the water. Just at the last second I'd jump out and let the cab sink into the briny blue because the world doesn't need that sort of old and ugly. I'd let the harbour swallow up those donkeys of the sea. It's kinda like Docs reuniting daughters with abusive mothers when you think about it.

Did I mention they were ugly?

Taken Out

I missed it's two week run on 10 but surely James Kerley (if that is your real name) is better utilised somewhere else like driving cabs or hosting childrens shows?

What a fukn train wreck Taken Out is. The rules are guy acts like a douche, scares off chicks, the chicks who stay are probably sluts, no one except for VD wins.

Oompa Loompa on the ECRL

Yesterday afternoon a short orange man sat next to me. He wasn't orange like a spray tan gone wrong but orange like an Oompa Loompa. Upon closer inspection, I think it could've been a chick.

Anyways, after covertly staring at s/he with my peripheral vision I noticed that they had a skin disease. I don't know what it is about skin diseases but I've always enjoyed staring at a good one. This one was a beauty already seeing as they were already orange. The bit that truly cemented its place as a skin disease was blotchy pigmentation. They had big patches of white skin shining through the orange on their hands and arms, kinda like they were a semi scratched scratchies ticket.

I don't know if it was the same thing that Michael Jackson suffers from but it was still unusual. I didn't stare any more after that.

Wherever you are blocthy, I hope you're ok.

Red Finger Limes

I was searching for information on the germination of citrus fruits and came across the Red Finger Lime aka Citrus Australasica.

It looks a bit like an engorged chode. Look at it



Apparently it's getting a bit of a following in gourmet circles. Still looks like a chode to me.

Kookaburra on a Fence

I saw my first Kookaburra for ages on our neighbours railing the other morning. It stared at me with a wisdom that scared me. Not really but it did stare as you can see.

We used to get Kookaburra's visiting our backyard all the time when we lived in the mountains, but that was about 18 years ago. Mum used to prepare little bits of mince and dad would go out and hand feed them. They were lovely times. Sigh...

Fuckers Win Meat

These old fuckers won 5 meat trays at meat raffles. Fuck them. They don't even know 5 meat trays worth of people. They should really limit people who are over 60 from winning more than one tray each. I should've kicked that old bitch in the cunt. What's worse was that she was wearing a jumper with a possum on it, like she was the personification of possum fucking magic or some shit.

Fuck her.

Fuck Epping.

Fuck Meat Raffles.

Anus Awareness Day

Last week was the least I've ever blogged. I touched on it briefly but it was more that I couldn't be arsed. It was nice though, I'll give you warning if I do it again, I promise.

Anyways, it made it easy to monitor the 25 hits RWOC got last week, three of which seemed to be driven here by "Anus Awareness Week" I've never written anything of the sort so I was, I must admit, slightly surprised by it. When I searched for it myself on teh google, it came back with RWOC as the result and a combination of Velociraptor Awareness Day and Nathan, Friend of Anus.

It's creative and joining two things together but really, why is someone searching for Anus Awareness Week? Because they suddenly need to be aware of their anus? Too many questions, not enough answers really.

Hopefully with this blog post, RWOC claims the number one spot over the impressively titled "Itchy Anus Diagnosis" Symptoms include bottoms and itchiness.

Reggie Watts is the shiz.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sweater Collection

Need a Christmas bargain?

Why not get a christmas sweater to celebrate every one's favourite time of year? Why not get several, like this guy.

http://www.christmassweatercollection.com/

This man is a sexual maverick.

Urine to Water

Kinda like a golden shower version of Jesus I guess, NASA has turned Urine into Water.

Read more here.

Apparently they boil it down, seperate the briney bit and then filter it till it's drinkable. It takes about 6 hrs to produce 22 litres of water.

I guess the only way to get around drinking urine is to have a healthy sense of humour and those astronauts sure are a pack of jokers.

"We are happy to have this water work through the system - we're happy to have it work through our systems."

Apparently they celebrated with a pot of peas and some bags of Wizz Fizz.

Slackness

This has been by far and away the slackest week of RWOC since January. I apologise for any distress I may have caused you, although you don't really seem to have noticed at all.

Anyways, between sicnkess and busyness it's been ok. Let's get this blog mofo back on track.

Kicking Down The Cobblestones

Yesterday I was walking to work and a woman was walking towards me. I noticed she was kicking a stone which is something I do quite often but i was surprised as I mistakenly thought i was a "guy" thing. She seemed pretty impressed with herself and was smiling.

It reminded me of a time back in 1997 when my mate and I kicked a bottle from Hornsby to Mt Colah which is about a 40 min walk. We got it all the way back to my place and then we looked at each other and he turned around and walked back home to Hornsby. I picked up the bottle and threw it in the bin. The winner is recycling in this story.

While you think about that, here's the 59th Bridge Street Song, I think I mentioned it earlier. I think I am doing a poor job of repressing my latent homosexuality.

Symbiotic Blind People

I saw my second case of symbiotic blind people today. That's not to say that it was the second case I saw today but more the second case I've ever seen. It was kinda cute too.

It was blind leader following a guide dog while a big black man with a cane followed them as he held on to her arm. It was like a blind fellowship of the 'Ping as they were at Epping station.

Upon review I don't think they're all that symbiotic, they're more parasitic as the guy definitely needs the chick more than she needs him but it was a lovely way to start the evening regardless. I was going to take a photo, however I was slightly too slow with my iPhone and when I did eventually get it out, it was flat. Technology will destroy you eh?

Recycling and Nappies

Perhaps the most fuct up thing you will watch this year.



This surely can't be real. Although, I'd love to be the one to kiss this guy goodnight and say to him 'Why, you've been recycling your seed again haven't you?"

On top of drinking his own man milk, he wears diapers and poops himself from time to time. Ladies (or gents) your search is over. This guy is grade A dating material. I'm pretty sure he could start an Ebay Virginity auction right now and be pretty successful.

A bit more searching has come up with his Encyclopedia Dramatica Page.

If you read on you will find he is currently the sworn enemy of a warlock and that's about as far as I went. What have we uncovered people?

FunEvil

I haven't clicked on next blog for a long time either and I was instantly rewarded with funevil.

As far as I can tell it's a zany place where wacky animals do crazy human things. Like this Panda Skeet shooting.




Turn around Panda! It's behind you!

Also take off your red glasses, I don't think they'll help you pick up a red target somehow. Maybe you should go back and eat some bamboo and root a Panda chick.

Feel Good

I got bored and typed in "Feel Good" in teh google images and got this.


I don't know what's happening either. I think he might eat out of it.

I waited and waited for the page to load but it woudln't so we'll need to keep on guessing.

Blurry Man Runs From Child

I found this photo below while reading about 20 of America's oldest restaraunts.



The man is obviously out of focus and the child has a hat and is smug. You then realise it's a picture of Peter Luger's which has been a New York institution for over 100 years.

What an odd photo to chose though. Perhaps the photographer was there all day long trying to get the perfect snap when blurry and smug showed up to ruin his shots. Try as he might he couldn't get an uninterrupted photo and this is the best he could do on the day.

Anyways, to read more about Peter Lugers and 20 other restaraunts you more than likely will never visit go here.

Mystery House Part 3

This is the third Mystery House of Epping.



If you look closely, you'll see the words Pol Co Pharma on the stain glass window and on the plaque to the left of the door. What is a Pol Co Pharma? Are they a weird sub branch of the Freemason's of Epping? No they're not as they reside on Rawson St. (perhaps a trip over there is in order to check out what's doing)

Anyway, this is all I can find on Polcopharma.

The blurb reads as so:

We established a reputation for quality service and supply, We distribute the best German health and beauty products throughout Australia & New Zealand. Our wide range of brands is your guarantee of choice.

Germans? Big Roo's? Sounds dodgy. Let's follow the link they provided; Polcopharma.com.au

It's a bit bare isn't it? It has a counter that says 6204 people have stumbled across their afterthought of a page which doesn't make me feel all that unique anymore. Apart from that not too much more information can be obtained except they've been around since 1958 which their stained glass can already tell you and then the magic happens!

Scroll over the bit under 1958 and a jumble of words appears! Click on the Polcopharma logo and a new page loads! It advertises products that were sold out a long time ago along with baby products that no-one needs. Which brings me to this question, why do you exist, who is Big Roo and why should I care?

Good for you Mystery House 3, you have truly asked more questions than you've answered.

The May 100 - Update

So I'm almost at the halfway point for May and let's see how I'm going. Yeah could be better.

To post 100 blogs in a month I have to go at a little over 3.2 blogs per day. That means I should be at about 45 at this point, however I'm only at 35. I better get observing and fast if I'm to reach my stingent goals that no-one else seems to monitor or care about.

Go Ray, you can do it!

Jerk Chicken

Last night, I made Jerk chicken from scratch. To Jerk is to roughly tear and stab raw meat in preparation for the addition of spices and the like. It's Jamaican in origin and has ties back to Native Americans and their dried meat preparation. jerk is essentially a predecessor of Jerky and is also usually created with a dry rub of spices and chilli's.

I had to make do with a wet jerk and I basted and BBQ'd chicken breasts with an aromatic blend of spices and acid. I made a 4 bean salad as an accompaniment and fragrant coconut rice as a side.

It tasted pretty good and had a suitable kick. I'd be prepared to try the jerk rub again with a dry spice mix. I should've really taken some photo's of it as well. Ah well, dem's da breaks.

Subway

The sandwich shop, not the form of transport.

Anyways, for lunch today, I had a footllong meatball sub. It was good. It was also $7which is a bargain. Where else can you buy a foot of food for that much?

I noticed the following while I was in line. The guy in front of me asked for a meatball sub, I asked for a meatball sub, the chick after me asked for a meatball sub (cut in half because they don't actually cut them you stupid sandwich whore), the guy after her asked for a meatball sub and the guy after him asked for a meatball sub. That's 5 in a row. Subway's subs for $7 seems to be drawing all the meat ball lovers out of the woodwork and really who can deny a healthy love of balls?

On a side note, I heard that when filming ads for Subway, to keep the subs steaming, they dip a tampon in boiling hot water and then wedge it into the sub so it releases the steam and vapour on a continual basis. After it's had meatball sauce all over it, it looks like it's been used for something else entirely.

#gbquotes

My semi-retarded mate Drew is trying to trend into Twitter #gbquotes. So far it's a pretty unsuccessful one man pursuit, moreso because he hasn't actually formally told anyone about it.

I pay attention to his tweets every now and again and noticed a reference to Zuul so I responded "Yes it's true, this man has no dick" He lost his shiznit and was quite happy that someone else had picked up the trend. I didn't continue it. If you are on Twitter feel free to tweet with #gbquotes something of relevance.

For those that are interested further, here is the clip from Youtube. It made me laugh when I was 5 and it still makes me laugh today.



I <3 Bill Murray.

Option C

Most Likely ... Unauthorized , originally uploaded by @ThetaState.

Sounds like a good time for all.

Sexual hotness awaits.

Packages

Our receptionist said she was going to drop off some packages. I asked her if she was going to wrap them first. I also asked if she'd weighed them before posting.

She thought I was talking about poos.

I was.

Ewww...

My dad just wrote me an email which started with the words "It's wet down here"

Blurgh.

It's a Knockout

It was the name of the game back then.



It still is on Youtube. Nostalgic 80's gold. Apparently the roly poly male host has a facebook profile. I urge you to send him a friend request. It'd help if I wasn't so half arsed in my research.

I just tried searching and can't find it. Screw you people.

Sealed and Delivered

The roadworks seem to almost be done.

Here is the road without some line markings. I wonder when they'll put the line markings in?



Roadworks are ever so much fun.

Meat is in Lahood.

We go to Meat Raffles everynow and again although you wouldn’t know about it. We win meat every now and again if those old fukn crips don’t win it first. The meat is provided by Epping RSL and Lahood Bros – the latter of which we assumed was some sort of drug front. You can imagine our surprise when we saw the Lahood Van near Macquarie University over the weekend.



It is bright and gay, unlike their meat which is well butchered and quality. Why was it in the area? I’m not sure. Will it come back? Perhaps.

Losses are Massive

It’s been a while since someone’s lost something but it’s happening again. As the mercury falls, so too do the accessories.

First up is this scarf.



Its placement on the railing is no accident. I believe it’s climbed up the nearest vantage point and is looking for it’s owner. It’s a sad story that we’ve seen far too many times on RWOC. Godspeed little scarf.

Next up is Glove.



Wanna be my Glover? Good ol fashioned Glover boy? Glove.fm? I wanna glove you right? None of these hits apply to this lonesome wee fellow. Glove and other catastrophes more accurately sums up its bleak future.

Improv Course

It’s my second week at Improv tonight. Last week was pretty good. We learnt basics Stuff like Offer and Yield and teamwork and stuff. I met a bald guy called Bass, a ponytailed guy called Jason, a small Peruvian guy called Paco, a diseased sniffler called Vanessa, an arty type called Tridzia, a short woman called Jane, an English sounding guy called Chris, a bloke called Peter, a guy with hair like Krusty’s dad called Danny, an Asian guy called David, Amanda my comic friend and me along with 12 others. Our teacher is called Jeff or Geoff if he spells it that way. There are 24 in our class so I’ll try to figure out who the other 12 are tonight.

Last week on the way home from class I witnessed a beating. It wasn’t particularly brutal, in fact it was about as brutal as it was long, however it was still 4 on 1. They “beaters” ran off when I approached the “beaten” who was standing there with two females. Long story short, I asked what happened, offered to call the cops and then found out that the beaters and the beaten are actually friends and had had a disagreement. I got out of there after that.

Who knows what fun and games will take place tonight.

In the meantime, here’s a photo of the classroom.



I know. Schoolish.

Awkwardness

Not sure if it's a cosmic theme but two awkward links in two days means I need to tell the world!

First up is Awkward Boners. (thanks Brad)

It truly delivers what it promises. Like this guy for example.



He's thinking "Bony up, there's a new sherif in town". I like to imagine that there's some Boney M playing in the back ground.

Next up is Awkward Family Photo's.

I think WTFFamilyphoto's could be apt. Like this one.



What.

The.

Fuck?

I'm pretty sure it is never ok to play with your dad's cock even if he is in fluffy monkey costume.

Mystery House Part II

For those of you following the Mystery House Series here is the long awaited second part.



This looks like any other shop front with the blinds drawn but it presents a very different prospect as far as mystery houses go. It sits amongst an op shop, a cafe and a chicken shop, yet it is never open for business. I don't even know if it is a business. It seems to be inhabited as there are no lease notices and it doesn't seem derelict.

The biggest mystery, however is the little old woman who pops out every now and again. You'll see her peering out like an older, more feminine Gollum. She sometimes opens the blinds and gets the paper and scurries back in. I haven't seen her in a while so maybe she's dead or maybe she doesn't like me. It doesn't smell all that funny so I don't think she's dead but it's still odd.

Live in a house little old lady, don't live in a strange shop thing. I hope you're happy in there.

Foxtel delivers music.

The channel selection screen on Foxtel brings up some questionable music. Last night before the Kiwi's Kangaroos test I was channel surfing and it came up with this.



It's a bossa nova version of Paint it Black by a group called Sixth Finger. It's hauntingly odd but makes me feel ticklish in the kidney area.

Thumbnail

I have a long thumbnail not through design, more through accident. When I chew it, it smells a bit like burnt hair. What gives?

Whore you gonna call?

We went Karaoke last weekend and I mixed it up and sang some new songs including Simon and Garfunkle's fagatronic "59th Bridge Street Song (Feeling Groovy)" and The Look, which isn't actually a new song for me, but it's been a while since I've sung it. Other highlights were Dakota by the Stereophonics and Ghostbusters.

The lyrics "who're going to call" kept popping up on screen and with some creative squinting it looks kinda like "Whore you gonna call"

Here's a photo.



The magic is well and truly gone.

Tom the Unprotected Lothario.

On Sunday 60 Minutes had an unprotected sex special. It was meant to be hard hitting but they started losing credibility when they chose a chick who had a bigger jaw than Bianca Dye to hand out condoms and advice.

Their next fatal error was handing out lube. Now if a reasonably good looking 16-18 year old surfie dude has a problem getting his 16-18 year old girlfriend wet, he probably shouldn't be having unprotected sex and just stick to wanking.

The final straw was having this guy on their "unprotected sex panel"



It's Tom the Unprotected Lothario. He looks like a cross between Dick Dastardly, Garfield, Pepe Le Pew and a fuckwit. He said ridiculous things as well like "Don't judge me but I wouldn't tell a one night stand if I had an STD" Don't worry about that Tom, we started judging you the second you appeared on TV with those "Fuck Me Eyes" and your questionable choices in facial hair grooming.

The inclusion of Tom derailed the show. The question no longer was why are our children having unprotected teen sex but why are our children having unprotected teen sex with this guy? The thought of him stuffing parts makes me physically ill and 60 Minutes should be held accountable for bringing such mental imagery into our homes. Hopefully such a shambolic appearance on National TV will prove to be all the protection Australia needs from beret wearing Ranga's who will not be exempt from judgement.

In a bonus round of credibility detraction, they had an expert who said "Half of all people having sex are on drugs" To borrow on a theme, the next time you're coupled up and you're not pilling of your nut or grinding your jaw into dust, it means your partner is and that's a sad indictment on you because the only way you can pull a root is to find someone who is munted. The message is take drugs and make your partner the one with no standards. It seems to work for Tom.

Innacurate

I told someone to hang tight which isn't all that accurate to be honest unless they're holding onto a cliff edge, however, if I said it to a lady of the night, it wouldn't be accurate at all.

Collaboration

Stevie Wonder and Britney Spears are collaborating on a new track titled - Part Time Mother.

Killing Zombies

Probably the only thing you'll ever need if you're stuck in an abandoned building and zombies are bearing down on you.



Read more about it here.

Nathan; Friend of Anus.

Via LU.

Here are some hillarious crack diving attempts by Nathan Friend vs Penrith on Monday night. He ended up with his face implanted in the butt cheeks of another player. The images got removed. Bugger. I had some great captions for it too.

His form has had an about face since he left Melbourne.
He is definitely head and shoulders about other hookers currently running around the comp.
He had a couple of cracks in his defensive game but is facing up to them.
He sure has different thoughts about head gear.
He is the A defender in this tackle; the A stands for arse.
There were questions raised about his tackling technique but he poo-poohed them.
He sure will be the butt of all jokes for some time to come.
His face smells like an anus.

That last one wasn’t very subtle was it?

(Thanks Matt.)

Station Brawl

SMH reports that last night there was a 180 teen station brawl in the Mt Druit/Penrith area.

I think they’re exaggerating just a little bit. 180 youths and only two were hospitalised? What sort of brawl was this? Sounds like some sort of westie fight club where they didn’t actually fight.

The first rule of westie brawl club is no punching. The second rule of westie brawl club is no punching. 180 teens to a fight. The fight stops when the cops get there or when 2 or more teens suffer minor injuries.

Seriously, toughen up youth of Sydney’s West. If you’re going to involve the police at least make it worth their while and glass someone like Greg Bird would.

NBL Relaunched.

There is going to be a new season of the NBL. They’re launching in October but there will be no Sydney or Brisbane based teams. Seriously NBL, get your model right. How are you going to attract a) public interest b) sponsorship c) match coverage if you’re missing two of the 3 biggest markets in the country. Of course there is the need to make sure that the clubs are solvent but it’s tantamount to entering a Jamaican bobsled team into the winter Olympics. Although a heart-warming, charming and humorous story, you know that it will be about as competitive as Andre Pistorious at a grape stomping competition. Check out those simile’s eh?

I’m not trying to suggest that Sydney and Brisbane are more important than the Melbourne market but for a truly national competition, it’d make sense to at least float at least one club in one of the two major cities without a presence. I fear things will only get worse.

Until then, here’s another picture of Kingma.



He’d know what to do. He'd make the NBL pose with a white trapezoid on their face.

Moved

The creepy telemarketer has moved into the office next door. It’s a bit sad as we won’t be able to have awkward and stilted conversations about hobo’s, piracy, Samuel L Jackson movies and stamps. What to do?

Maintenance.

I had to do a maintenance poo this morning. A maintenance poo is a poo that you do when you can feel it’s there but it’s about 30-60 minutes away from fully forming and when it is formed you’ll be somewhere you don’t wanna poo like on a train or buying coffee. So there I was about to leave the house and I had to break one off quickly as I would’ve been late for work. Because of my maintenance, I still haven’t had to do a proper poo yet. Although not cause for celebration nor concern, it will make toilet time all the more satisfying when it comes out.

Wallpaper and Transformers

I changed my Desktop Wallpaper to the best photo in the world. It’s Optimus Prime doing Voltron. I was inspired because I saw the new Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen trailer last night which is over here.

As far as I can tell there’s robots, fear, dramatic closeups, destruction and explosions. Sounds like every other Michael Bay film.

Danger!

This door is at Epping Station. To summarise the sign, it says that there’s dangerous smoke, wind and confined spaces. Don’t enter if you’re not authorised. It seems the only people authorised to enter are heavyset, inflammable dwarves who have no respiratory disorders. I reckon it’s where Alf lives now.

Built-in MSG

We just got new phones at work and they have built in MSG. If the button lights up I think it’s because I’ve ingested a stack of it. I can’t wait to test it out.

Crazy Hair

We went to drinks at the Albion Park Hotel which opened up on George St recently. As far as I can tell, before it opened it was a crack den or a house of vagrants and now it’s quite nice. It seems they’ve offered one of the vagrants who used to live there a bouncing job. Look at his hair.



He looks a little bit like Karl Urban from Chronicles of Riddick but less stylish and more hair actually.



In fact they're quite different. Regardless, I shouldn’t judge a man by their hair. If Homer had judged Marge by her hair the world would have no Bart, Lisa or Maggie because cartoon children were cartoon fetus’ at one stage.

Busking Recorder Lady

After we went to see Wolverine we saw this chick sitting outside Starbucks on George St. She was busking with a recorder and playing Rod Stewart’s Rhythm of My Heart, which I thought was a very questionable song choice as it’s a shit song.



The last time I heard anyone play the recorder was in Primary School and it was a shitty massed rendition of the National Anthem. Granted, this chick was actually quite good and the crispness of her notes was exceptional, but it was still worrying. It says to me that the only thing she’s taken out of school is recorder and that isn’t a very good advertisement for staying in school.

Can O’ Chicken

Via J-Walk

The easy way to enjoy a Chicken Friday. Just open a can and there’s your chicken. Heat, serve and enjoy! Ignore the fact that it looks like your dog has already eaten it. One of my friends described it as a homunculus but it isn’t really wearing that red dwarf cap nor little booties so that’s kinda inaccurate. It does look like an alchemist has made it though which makes me proud of science.

Here's the end result.



I wish I could've tasted that weird yellow dangly bit hanging around the neck. That just screams flavour to me.

Chunky Soup Puzzle.

I had Beef and Bacon soup testing earlier this week. It was pretty decent and it was almost as sterile as testing Bourbon as you can see from the picture below. I got real paid. Yo dawg, I gots $40 real cash money for it. I went and bought 10 cans of Campbells Chunky soup and 22 red frogs. If I had no change from the aforementioned transaction and red frogs cost 5c each, how much is a can of Campbells soup? Answers published tomorrow!

Wolverine Origins

I went to see X-Men origins last night and although it was good it wasn’t spectacular. Stuff like Weapon 11 having no mouth nor eyelids. He’s meant to be the best mutant ever but he can’t suck a cock nor can he shield his eyes if you jizz in his face. Two major mutant failings if you ask me. Live Schriber is a nasty dude as well. He’s a bit angry and all. He was kinda the hand version of this guy. Don’t wait till the end of the credits as well. It’s not worth it. If you must know it’s Wolverine at a bar drinking. The bartender looks at him and says “Drinking to forget?” and Wolverine…wait for it…says “Drinking to remember”.

Whoa.

Finally, I can’t figure out if his love interest is hot or not. She’s kinda nice to look at mostly, but then when she thinks up his name, which, incidentally is some story about some spirit called Kawasaki who gets trapped in mortal realm, she’s wearing a nightie thing and she’s meant to look hot, but the lighting and her skin makes her look almost as old as one of Mark Waugh’s girlfriends.

Until you see it, here's a picture of some dorky kid called Nate and his claws.

The May 100

I’m doing something bold. I’m going for 100 posts for May. I should be able to do it as well if I keep writing banal blogs like this one. Anyways, it’s all about small goals. If I get to 96 posts I get to 500 career posts which I set aside as the next celebration blog. I don’t know if celebration is the best word for it but you know what I mean.

Also, Happy May Day. I think you punch dogs in their hind legs to celebrate May Day but I could be wrong.