Ray's World of Charm

Is when you drink pink champagne with your friends and wear the same
shirt.

I saw Avatar and it was ok, it was visually amazing, but I could do endless magic eye puzzles and be visually amazed. As with everything, it was the story that let it down, it just wasn't all that interesting or new.

Example? Sure. As soon as Sully meets the chick you know he's going to bone her. You know that he's going to end up killing the bad army guy. You know he's going to ride the big angry bird thing and you know that Sigourney Weaver and every other support character will die.

Worse than the lack of story though is the technology/evolution in the movie. How does a society evolve so it can tamper with every living thing around it with its hair? The Na'vi are meant to be hard to kill but gravity and bullets seem to fuck them up just as easy as anything else and the clincher. If humans are able to "port" themselves into avatars and they have mech robots to rape the earth with, well why does Jake Sully still have a self push wheelchair? Why haven't humans got the technology to get around wheelchairs? Even if they got one of those big fuck off robots just to carry them in a massive baby sling it'd make sense. Next they'll tell us that they're using morse code to communicate between bases and they're still using twitter to socially mediate.

That is a massive middle leg. Ladies don't act like you're not impressed.

Hilarious.

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I found this product today.

Tool-set seems a bit superfluous as in-line skaters are already tool-sets aren't they? Oh Cashman, you are so insightful.

It reminds me of a joke from the other week.

What's the hardest thing about inline skating?

Telling your parents you're a fag.

I was at Victoria Basement looking for a jug with a freezable column in it. Although I didn't find it, I did hear some Old wisdom as I passed the bottle openers.

"If you have one of these in your back pocket at all times you'll never be in trouble."

How many times have you ever needed to open up a bottle to avoid trouble or remove the foil with a little knife in order to get out of life threatening fixes? Never.

Check out the opener.

You sorta have to look into the basket itself but you get the idea. Maybe the guy was an alcoholic? His sandals in the breakground say to me that yes he is.

Ruby Rose aka White Rhianna has stopped tweeting.

She has a point. I haven't tweeted too much recently, maybe on account of my not being an old fart or anything like that.

I find it's pretty good if you're clever and have a decent community of like minded people to bounce off. Perhaps White Rhianna just isn't smart enough for twitter?

Or maybe it is actually just shit after all..

A couple of months ago you may remember Jamie and I posed for some photos with fluro men.

Well, I'm only 2 months late but World for all People is up and on Youtube! Hooray! Here's the video.

It's pretty ace to see our mugs at the 3 min mark. If you wanna read more about it here's Rick the Canadians website.

(Thanks Jamie)

If this works of course. If not this will be a weird email to someone.

Orange Box

Or

Orange Box?

Are despicable.

(thanks Andy)

How am I meant to shit in a place like this. Look at this place.

It looks a bit like the chick from the ring is going to come out and trap my anus down a well if I turn my back on it for a second. Seriously, what happened in there. Definately not bowel movements that's for sure.

It was one sleep to xmas. The bird was wrong and not very festive at the end of the day.

I entered a Sunday Magazine competition a couple of weeks ago. It asked the entrants to reply in 25 words or less why food kicks ass. I answered in a Haiku.

Ingredients meld,
The Kitchen Buzzes; Sounds, Smells!
Yum! And taste of course.

That effort was good enough to win a signed Luke Mangan cookbook. Do I know who Luke Mangan is? Not really. I think I've seen him on Masterchef. Anyways, I was pretty stoked, probably cos I love winning stuff. Go me!

I've been stacks busy making up words cos I'm a wordsmith. The last one I did was awesome!

Here's Mannequin:

When a man stretches his scrotum up over his penis and entirely covers it so his genital region resembles a flat skin-coloured patch, similar to a store mannequin.

After shaving my sack I can do such a good mannequin, Target wants to hire me to do in store promotions.

Here it is on Urban Dictionary. Awesome!

You may remember the original sad trees of Epping. Well there's a new challenger and I think it's the saddest yet.

I like to think that the tree can Sophie Delezio it's way out of trouble but I don't think it's strong enough to survive. Prove me wrong sad tree, prove me wrong!

When I was doing my HSC in 1998 we were told we were the worst year to go through NSBHS. They may have had a point as we destroyed our common room and when we weren't destroying it we were covering it in porn. We ended up doing ok and I think as a school we finished in the top 6 schools in the state or there abouts. This years year 12 finished 14th and got knocked out of the the top 10 by some private schools. Who's the worst year now? Who has enough pride in their high school to care?

Go to bed you underachieving retard.

Look like flowery purple cocks.

Totally irrelevant. I have the internet. Do you have porn in you yellow pages? No. Can you entertain me with games? No. Am I able to network socially with you? Probably but it's hard work I'd imagine. Can you stop the tell tale signs of domestic abuse. Yes if applied to the ribs so as to disperse the force of blunt trauma. Internet 3 Phone book 1.

Here's a phone book I found earlier.

Piece of shit.

Yes those are my shoes.

I wrote my first flight based joke the other day. Here it goes:

What happened to the Magician who disappeared at Helsinki Airport?

*He vanished into Finnair.

High-larious!

*To fully appreciate it you must know that Helsinki is the hub city for Finnair

About Tiger Woods. I will say this though, the American public must be pissed they elected him president.

Are you looking for a xmas play for your family group or an audition piece for your next acting gig?

Well look no further the NSW Drugs Campaign media scripts.

How about you practice the part of the 15 year old girl and I'll be the mother. It'll be so much fun.

I think these scripts are really quite excessive though. Ice doesn't always destroy lives, it helps cool your drinks and when applied upon injuries it avoids swelling.

This isn't recent but it's pretty fantastic.

Brian Harvey from East 17 fame ran over himself and broker his pelvis in 7 places. Funny, I know. Funnier still is how he did it.

Harvey blames potatoes for bizarre car accident

Troubled reality TV star Brian Harvey has provided an astonishing explanation for the bizarre and terrifying accident in which he was run over by his own Mercedes... claiming it was caused by a meal of three giant baked potatoes smothered in tuna mayonnaise and cheese.

If he was on Atkins he wouldn't have run over himself, however if he were a rugby player he would've run over his daughter. It's been ruled out as another suicide attempt which makes sense. Jacket potatoes, vomit and a car seem a bit too elaborate for a suicide attempt unless you were the McGyver of suicide.

They don't really looks as good as normal donuts do they? They are kind of the lonely leper of the baked/fried dough family.

My mate and his girlfriend went to Sexpo when it was in Sydney. They got some photos with one of the female pornstars who had her top off. As they were posing she turned to my mates girlfriend and said "You're a girl, you can touch" and so she cupped the pornstar.

My first reaction was, that's ace! Upon second thought though it wasn't as cool. It would be the equivalent of a bloke meeting Ron Jeremy, getting ready to pose in the photo with him and then Ron says "Seeing you're a guy, you can hold my wang"

I totally would hold it if I had the chance.

Lamebook.com is pretty self explanatory. It's facebook gone lame. Full of totally hot messes and their status updates. Almost as great as the actual posts themselves are the comments.

Here's one correcting a haiku writer and showing the correct format.

@Mr Haihu
The second line of post 31
“of Barnaby Joyce and Pauline”
contains eight sylables
should be seven
example

AIDS infected whore —5
Spread your legs, angel of death —7
You’re doing God’s work —5

Than there's the posts themselves.

Gold.

When do conversations with strangers end? I was in a lift and this old punk, (he wasn't really a punk he was just an old homeless looking guy) got into the lift. He was wearing crazy earphones and a xmas carol was playing really loudly. I looked at another bloke and we raised eyebrows and I said "That's a bit excessive" and he laughed. Then he said something not that clever so I pretended to laugh and then the doors opened.

The conversation had ended but we ended up walking the same direction and roughly the same pace. We looked at each other once or twice and then I slowed down heaps so he could walk ahead of me.

The thing was we ran into each other later at Woolworths in the nut aisle. We looked at each other and he kinda said with his eyes he knew I had slowed down out there but I wasn't sure if he was happy about it. I turned around and did not buy nuts that day.

What should i have done? I don't think I could've talked to him again but should I have walked away? Who knows? Who cares anymore...

I'm pretty excited about it even though it's been out for a little bit. I asked about the game when I was at EB and the guy was offended. He was all like "I'm not touching that piece of shit" I asked why and he said he was a DJ.

Oh, right. Here I was thinking you worked at EB. I don't think I've heard any of his mixes and the GFC must've hit the DJ world hard for him to have to be working at EB full time. Maybe when the Ministry of Sound Summer Annual comes out maybe I'll hear some of Dave from EB North Sydney's work.

I got this today and I surely Rolled on the floor raffing.

I eat fast food and I get cranky at how incompetent their workers are. Is it because of my hunger overruling my compassionate side? No, it's because the dregs of the world and the very pimply work there. Macca's George street seems to be a haven for retards. It's a case of them having to fill a normal needs quota as the rest of their staff seem completely incompetent at life.

Today we wandered past the new KFC at China Town and had to wait 10 mins to not get served. We decided we didn't need popcorn chicken enough to wait any longer. The only good thing about our visit was that they have perhaps the longest wheel chair escalator in the world. I kinda wanted to get in it and go for gold but I was too angry.

I hate people so much. At least this shirt agrees with me...

We bought a buttload of fruit and veg today from Paddy's markets for under $10.

We got 2 mangoes, 2 nashi pears, a bunch of inoki mushrooms, a red capsicum, a bunch of gai lan, half a cabbage, a kg of sweet potato and 750gm of tomatoes. It's high fibre time in the Cashman household this week.

The thing is why didn't anyone tell me about this hot veg stock earlier? I have been living like a chump.

Heard this on V. It's by the Snowdroppers and I liked it.

I like it a lot although the chick at 1:20 looks like a dude. I actually commented on it at the time but they removed it as spam. What a kick in the cock.

Oh and a snowdropper is someone who whacks off into sheets which hang on washing lines. So hot right now.

I had to MC a gig to three people last week. I opened with "Thanks for coming guys but I've had bigger audiences in taxis"

It didn't get any better than that.

Doesn't Bernard Fanning

Look a little bit like Gladiator and Face/Off's Tommy Flanagan?

Totally. Great way to observe stuff Ray. You're my hero. Go do something productive you fukn idiot.

What sort of example is it setting for our kids? It's kinda saying you can root a vampire or a werewolf, we wont mind.
If you break it down another level it's kinda condoning necrophilia and beastiality and neither is a healthy option unless you enjoy cockrot or scratched genitals.

NB. I have not yet seen the movie or read the books. I saw a guy reading the first book on the train so I walked up to him and I said, I did, I said "Hey, what sort of guy is reads Twilight? Hand in your penis to the man club before your cock retracts and turns into a massive clitoris and your scrotum caves in and becomes a vagina" Then I spat on him and slammed him in the throat with my elbow.

None of that happened at all. I am so lonely.

A pretty sad story from the skies over here.

It pretty much says it all here.

A breast-feeding mother accidentally smothered her four-week old child aboard a United Airlines flight from Washington, DC, to Kuwait, a British tabloid reported.

A British Tabloid eh? Apparently a photo of the killer tits were on page 3. The baby joined the ranks of Sonny Bono, Peter Brock and Steve irwin as they all died doing what they loved. In the babies case it was sucking down some titty liquid.

My question is this: Obviously the mother bought a ticket for herself and her baby. Does she now get her baby ticket refunded now the kid is dead?

November sure was quiet. It's cos I was cultivating this awesome mo.

I wasn't really. It reminds me of a joke my mate once told me which went like this.

"Asians aren't that hairy so they don't do Movember. Instead, the do Molevember. It's where elderly asian men will cultivate the hair from their moles into a long strand and sit outside food courts and spit while they play the mandolin."

That's what it reminds me of.

I was at a comedy covers night last night and so I missed Spicks and Specks last night but luckily for me I recorded it.

There was a blues dude called CW Stoneking who struck me as mildly retarded and other stuff however, the best part of the episode was their strange trivia section where they spoke about Le Pétomane who was the 19th century's highest paid entertainer on the basis of his anal contractions and flatulence on cue.

Read more here at Damn Interesting

Key quotes are:

Young Joseph became alarmed one day when he was swimming in the sea, and took a deep breath before submerging. As he inhaled, he felt icy cold water entering through his rear end.

He wasn't fingered by a penguin, he was discovering his skills.

He started off with a series of fart impressions… a new bride’s timid toot; her noisy, flapping emissions a week later.

Flapping emissions? Really...

A number of women passed out, unable to breathe in their tightly bound corsets, and had to be escorted from the theater by nurses.

They take care to state that it wasn't from the farting but more from the corsetry which will get you every time if you're a 19th century French dame.

On second thought, maybe I don't want to go to the gym today.

I love the "Oh fuck" moment at 0:38 - 0:45 where she weighs up her options.

As a bonus, read the comments if you like Asian driver jokes.

Watch this, it's fuct up.

On the positives she would have to have non stop anal and if you made her walk forwards the convulsions on your nob would be ace.

On the negative she couldn't do much housework and she'd have to run around like Forrest Gump.

Just about to watch a new reality series called ultimate gamer, however it's already a year old. They drop 12 gamers into a house and make them play rhythm, sports, fighting and driving games then make them do it in real life. Each week they make people play off in a "fight for their lives" Unless they crush them in a vice or detonate their vital organs, I'm pretty sure they'll live on.

Let's see how this unfolds...

I haven't done much of an update lately but I've been busy. I have 3 gigs next week however I may just turn up and watch as opposed to performing. In other news, I recently won a comp to go up to Brisbane and perform over 3 nights at the Sit Down Comedy club. I go up in January and it seems to be pretty well hot.

Go team! I'll be sure to let you know all about it.

I was named after my dad, like 31 years after him.

You suck.

There are far too many ads on TV for funeral insurance. I think it's reasonable, the main benefits seem to be peace of mind and the fact that it's so cheap, however there seems to be a bit of clutter in the market. Aussie, Real and the other mob need to think about getting a cutting edge instead of constantly featuring some mopey old poof who couldn't afford to put his wife in the ground.

As mentioned, the low cost is a key here. They seem to all be about $3.50 per week. Why not combine with another product that's $3.50 per week like a pensioner bus pass, or a packet of werthers caramels or one of those Krisco Hampers? The hampers are always popular at this time of year and seem to appeal to the elderly and destitute. I'm sure if they teamed up that they could offer some sort of massive hamper body disposal system. They could then on sell the bodies to pet food companies and gran could make a reappearance at next years xmas gathering. Not only is it economical and green friendly, it ensures that your loved ones keep coming back to your meals for years to come.

What the fuck is wrong with the world? Use Ebay and you will ask yourself this question repeatedly. I'm doing a Cashman clearance sale of stuff I don't use and it seems as though every third fucktard in Australia is bidding/looking at my shit and asking stupid questions.

Like this one from beauticrafts in regards to my Xbox 360 controller auction:

Do you have the original invoice?

No you fuckwit, I don't. Why would I keep the original invoice? What am I, a book keeper? Get fucked.

Or this one from borgerbt

What bank are you with?

One that is none of your fucking business you cunt.

Or this from Monkeymike after asking about making an offer if he had enough money for another auction.

I'm not sure what sort of offer to make, why don't you make me an offer and I'll give you an answer.

Why yes, I'll ask some illiterate fuckwit if i can please sell him my item. I have the fucking item fuckfeatures, you make me an offer that's how it fucking works. I'm sorry you mistook me for someone who gave a shit about your situation and how much you can afford because only ever I go on Ebay to be charitable to fucking morons. I don't need you. GO FUCK YOURSELF. There are 18 people watching this item. Fuck off, look up how an offer works and then go shoot yourself in the cock because you're a piece of shit.

Fuck!

How fat are pigeons getting? Do you ever wonder what their BMI should be?

I do.

Here's some fat pigeons someone took a photo of earlier.

Sorry. Let's get this thing going again.

So you probably noticed nothing's been happening recently.

Sorry about that. I'm in Fiji doing not much. Wedding went well. I'm off to get another cocktail; Pool Boy!

See y'all back here around August 25.

I don't even know where this was from but it's the iced confectionary of the almost racist. It's the Nogger.

Yo Nogger I'll put you on nice, I pop a cap in you Nogger and Nogger Please all apply here.

Thanks Drew

So much to love about this sign. In the top right corner they'll charge you $1 to drink water. On the second last line they'll give you Asian Sauce and finally they stock Flesh Noodles. Sure beats Soylent Green and it's twice as good for you!

Straight from the Korea Times. Here's the article.

Here are some quotes.

"Why do people not boast about their dong?"

and

"The first obvious response to this idea is that most dong are too small and nondescript."

and

"Being small, dong abound, another difficulty for differentiating."

and

"Jwa-dong and Junggok 4-dong are just mouthfuls."

Best article ever.

Thanks Candice!

Straight from SMH.com. Gold.

Here's the article.

The Roosters Warriors game in round 18 was one of the last times I was truly happy. The game itself displayed some great attacking footy and the day itself was a bright and sunny one. There was the issue of tickets being $28 but what can you do eh?

As we wandered into the ground there was a Happy Harold Van.

It was a strange place to have a Happy Harold van. There was a crowd of 8000 and I'd assume that maybe a third of those were children at the most. I guess that means that there was 2000-2500 kids or thereabouts so I guess it could work but it's still strange. I then figured it out. It's there to educate the footballers about the dangers of STD's and public defecation.

As we left there was a bloke wearing a Cowboy hat. It wasn't the first time a Warriors fan has worn questionable headware and probably won't be the last but I thought I'd take a photo of it anyways.

That was my day the the football.

I went to a 21st for one of the fam and they had those little glitter 21 things on the table like so.

With some creative number splitting I created the following equation:

And this one:

Yes, I am a Mathemagician.

It’s off to Canberra today for Green faces. There will be dudes I do know like Billy and Damian and John and then a couple of randoms as well. It’s apparently a sell out show. The MC is kinda decent or so they say. Some Irish guy called Jimeoin…never heard of him.

The battle rages!

Attention a pair of Ladies Shoes/Boots have been found in a brown paper bag in the foyer. If anyone has lost them please contact the building mgr.

Sign on the Right:

Lost: One brown paper bag containing a pair of ladies shoes.
The shoes are of minor concern, however, I would like the paper bag back as it has been in the family for generations and is of major sentimental value.

Sometimes Cashman you are too good.

I've been working on this poem but I'm not too sure how to finish it.

Crack in the pavement;
Yo I'll step around it.
A crack in your body
Yo I'll pound it; genital surround it.

Any ideas?

When a celeb dies I always find it awkward to think of them whilst engaging in solo pleasure. I have sent all my HIStory wall posters to the Op Shop.

Good luck peeling them apart...

Pretty grotty story at SMH.

Accused of letting rats chew girl's toes off

Three people have been accused of letting rats bite a six-week-old girl and chew off her toes at their cluttered Ohio caravan home.

How does that even happen? I'll tell you what, there won't be too much this little piggy going on in that household.

This probably should freak you out a fair bit.

It will also have you asking.

"What's that sound? I like that sound. I love that sound. It's the sound of my shoes"

It's my new favourite song.

Last time we found some clothing, it was a brown glove in the toilets, this time, I have no idea what we have.

It could be a do-rag but the again it might not be as it was outside the primary school. Still those gang bangers are getting younger so it could be some yr 4 kid gone to a life of crime early. His blood are going to bust his chops for losing his rags though. I'd hate to be in his club meeting when he fesses up.

I've noticed some sad trees in Epping lately. I'm sure there are more sad trees of Epping than the two I'll show you but I'm sure you'll agree that they are both particularly sad.

This one has potential but is particularly sad because of it's lack of water. It's like Estelle Getty in her later years, all brown, withered, dry and senile.

This one has been butchered to the wazoo but still stays green. It's the little amputee that could but it's not hiding the fact there should be more foliage on it. It is currently doing the comb-over of the tree world albeit, quite unsuccessfully. In the end, it's just sad.

He's totally wild and untamed and about 99% hair free. Yes it's Cracker Wolverine!

I should really stop giving away what the post is about in the titles. Where's the suspense?

Here's a Truck that delivers Tofu but it's not just any tofu, it's fortune tofu.

I wonder if you crack it open whether or not there would be a soggy fortune inside? It's far more nutritious than cookies, that's for sure.

Here's another of my award winning wildlife snaps. It's Albino Moth.

Albino's are like the ranga's of the animal world. No one knows where they came from, they're not accepted and in some cultures they're eaten. The day after I took my blurry photo of Albino moth, he was gone. I think someone ate him.

On the train the other day I saw this piece of graffiti.

Who is DOOIE? It seems kind of irrelevant if you're not going to give us a back story. Maybe it stands for Do Ovaries Ovulate In Easter? I doubt it but it's nice to think of possibilities.

It has nothing on this guy.

He was not secretive at all. I felt like saying "Dude, keep that shiz on the d-lo" but then he kicked an old woman and I just walked away cos it wasn't my problem. I was lucky to even get this photo.

That's the lengths I go to for you guys. Are you not entertained?

Now because of my blog ingenuity, I've broken the biggest TV story of the year one way or another.

Best. Blogger. Ever.

I heard from a good source that the winner is Julie.

You heard it here first.

Here she is crying after her win.

I heard from a good source that the winner is Poh.

You heard it here first.

Here she is threatening Julie with a rolling pin.

I had my first proper comedy gig in about 3 weeks last night at Star Bar and it went well. I've been a bit mopey cos I haven't been able to perform but it was a very solid set with a decent applause break at the end of my blind cock sucking joke. I now go into a decent run of comedy culminating in the wedding pretty much. Go Cashman!

If you're keen I'm at the Roxbury hote in Glebe next Weds at 8pm. Get to it!

Or not...

I caught this on Rage this morning.

It's St Vincent aka Annie Clark with her first single Actor out of Work from her new album "Actor". The filmclip will make you feel funny but the song is tops. At 1:01 it looks like the guys face will melt off and her head shaking will make you feel self conscious at 1:30.

I only buy the Sunday Papers for the Sunday magazine but I can't help but feel it's a bad deal. It'd be like buying a red delicious apple just for the little sticker.

Here's a topical one for you all.

Doesn't Mick Hucknell

Look a little bit like Susan Boyle.

Mick's got bigger tits though.

I have a new one. It's like a urinary version of chicken.

I like going to the toilet at work and backing up as far as I can and urinating into the cistern. So far I can get about 3 steps back, or just in line with the sink. I'm not game enough to try another step back as I don't want to have to explain the puddle of stinky yellow stuff on the floor if someone catches me.

Amazon has the collection of 7 hardcover books from $118. That's gotte be worth at least $120. Bargain!

Sometimes life treats you well. Like when you need to boil the kettle and it's already 2/3's full or when you get down to the final 500ml of a 2L bottle of cordial so you can just fill it full of water and have 2L of ready to drink cordial.

Yes that's how good it can get,

It's the question every curious Sydney Pedestrian has wondered about our trams. Today a brave 50 year old asian man had a look himself. Read more here.

That photo is an absolute winner.

It reminds me of a joke.

Q: Which one is the odd one out? A crab, a lobster, a snapper or an Asian under a bus?

A: The Snapper, the rest are all Crustaceans.

Best. Tram. Joke. Ev0r.

Pantyclimax - Ejaculates at the sight of women's lingerie.

I made up a new one.

Phallusy - When a man lies about his penis size.

You are hilarious Cashman

Isn't it just delicious? I just made myself a breakfast of champions, two bacon and egg sandwiches with bbq sauce, salt and pepper with a frosty mug of coola cordial. Oh yeah! I found some salami in the fridge and was thinking about putting it in my sandwich but I didn't quite get there in the end. I read the ingredients though and it went on to say that it was made fermented manufactured meat which was not heat treated.

Ewwww....if I'd known that before I'd eaten it the very first time, I'm not sure I would've eaten it. Then you start thinking about stuff that's fermented, like milk products make cheese sort of, and grapes make wine and hops and barley makes beer so I guess fermentation is ok. Fermentation is a pretty odd process. Someone would've had to have watched a perfectly good piece of food rot then thought, "Hey let's give it a couple of days more before we eat/drink this thing." I like to imagine it was a hobo who was dumpster diving, he didn't have anything to lose and so he went for it, got drunk and that's why we have the association of homelessness and drinking.

New Harry Potter starts on Thursday. Should be moist. I can't wait to check out Hermione who has just gotten hotter and hotter since Philosophers Stone. The new movie means I can re-hash my Harry Potter jokes like so;

New Harry Potter is out soon. Because it's their second last year of school, I'm hoping for lots of underage spell casting, drunken broom riding and wet robe contests. Do you remember when the last book came out? They had to put it into lock down in a warehouse on the Central Coast which is quite smart really because if a Coastie found a book, they'd be fucked if they knew what to do with it.

Thank you thank you, your applause is far too kind.

I never knew he was such a talented man. Pity about teh gh3yness.

His Pacino, Walken and Hepburn are all very impressive. The actors studio guy is a scary, scary man though...

I just brought home 9.5kgs of bulk purchased candy. I'm going to go out and probably buy about 5 more kgs. We got the largest bag of Gummi bears I've ever seen. It should be total hotness.

In other news, I was watching Top Gun and the volleyball scene came one. I absent mindedly started scratching my nuts which felt like I was almost having a sly wank. I got self conscious and stopped watching and then locked myself in the toilet.

In SMH today there was this article.

It goes on to say the key to a successful marriage is:

If your parents are together (check)
If you're roughly the same age (check)
Over 25 when you marry (check)
Love anal (check)

One of those statements weren't in the article. Your comprehension homework is to read through the article and point out which one is isn't.

As for me, it looks like it's going to be a Happy Wedding. Huzzah!

Matt found this on his walk today.

They're big white men with big red engorged bits and they're about to engage in some carnal fun. Where was your invite? Probably in the post.

Well played Mr Grafitti Artist, well played indeed. The only thing that could make this better is if he drew faces of orgasmic pleasure on the dudes but really, that's about all that's missing. It's a celebration of an alternate lifestyle that some of us will never truly understand.

I was thinking about songs I once enjoyed and this came to mind.

It's Mount Sims and Rational Behaviour. It sounds a little Beck Sexxlawsish dontcha think?

I was watching Michael Jackson's Bucharest Concert and I was interested in his clothing.

He's wearing a golden vest which I believe is a fencing jacket. I used to wear one when I fenced back in high school. How bizarre. I don't think he's ever fenced and so he probably has no need to wear it.

It's not the first time fencing gear has popped up on television. I can think of three occasions off the top of my head which are:

1) The crazy sweaty fencers from Total Eclipse of the heart

2) Madonna in Die Another Day

3) That Just for Men dye ad where they fence and the chick gets stabbed and she says "You nailed me" I can't find a video of it.

Anyways, my point is that fencing is totally relevant even today.

Update:

I remembered that a fencing jacket is called a plastron. Totally Rad Man!

For some reason people in the UK have been redirected through to RWOC if they search for "testicle popping."

I decided to search for testicle popping myself and came up with this rather disturbing fanfic where a teacher instructs some young skank on how to crush some guys nut. If you're a guy I dare you to read this without crossing your legs.

I was also given a Yahoo Answers link "Is it possible to pop a testicle?"

The answer is yes.

Upon further review, it turns out that the fanfic site is called Eunuch Archive. It looks like their German translator is busy. It's easy to translate German though, scheisse, aschlock and kunst are all you need. Kunst means art. Anyways, read this and any problem you have will seem irrelevant.

My favourite is BangleBalls and he Avatar quote "Dick or no dick I'm still a Dude" I'm pretty sure the guy with the dick isn't a guy that's just tried to chop it off. It seems that there's a select group of guys who get off on the prospect of chopping their weiners off which is called a penectomy. I don't even have words for this. What's the female equivalent? A chick that wants to fill themselves in with a bag of quickdry cement? The Eunuch Archive would have you believe it's a pretty fast growing community and the statistics back this up.

In the last month alone, the Eunuch Archive has had over 650,000 visits, nearly 21 million hits, and used close to 300 gigabytes of bandwidth.

If those numbers hold up, the whole world will be dickless very very soon.

Slow Motion is pretty funny except for when you're a snail or a sloth, then it's your life. Bullets are funnier cos they can damage stuff. Food is funny cos it's edible. When you combine it all it makes for hilarity!

That shit is bananas! How totally destroyed does it get?

Allow me to answer. Like totally destroyed.

We found our rings the other week which is ace. Hooray.

They are nice and simple like a child with a low intellect that's been left in a urine soaked sandpit. Hooray.

I decided to search for rings and found a guide on buying lesbian wedding rings. Funnily enough it doesn't include these helpful tips "Because lesbians fist all day they'd have to be waterproof and they would also have to have no sharp edges on them."

It's a little more practical. Read more here.

I'm sorry about writing mean things about lesbians though. Seriously. Why are you so quiet? There's a lesbian behind me isn't there?

The Forum 7's season continues and we just finished another game. This round we were up against the St Mary's Cougars and we won quite convincingly. I won Player of the Match for my effort entitled "Coping with Loss." Here it is below:

Coping with Loss.

The Warriors are underperforming this season and it’s hurting me. It was expected that the Warriors would build on their 2008 campaign and pose a genuine threat; instead the only thing they’ve threatened is my lust for life. Instead of expectantly awaiting finals football, most Warriors fans are merely waiting for the season to end. Some fans have even compared the current campaign to 2004 which, arguably was the worst season in Warriors history. To put that season into perspective, it’s almost as bad as watching the Kiwi’s win the World Cup if you are a Kangaroos fan, or watching Queensland win their fourth Origin Series in a row if you are a Blues fan, or if you’re a Queenslander at any point in history.

For most Warriors fans, myself included, the season died at 7pm Saturday June 27, 2009, or full time against the Gold Coast Titans. It’s now common to read about thoughts of next season which is terribly sad. Warriors fans now find themselves in that purgatory where they’ve spent 6 months waiting for the season to start, only to spend the next 6 months wishing the season would end.

It’s Round 16 and I’ve resigned myself to another season gone. As I watched the game draw to a close on Saturday night I felt the last spark of hope flicker and die within me. To be honest, I felt that spark dim a little when the Warriors chose to take the shot at goal instead of the tap in the 15th minute but, I still had hope and 65 mins on my side. I should’ve known better. As such, everything since that moment has been grey and flavourless, a bit like the gruel served up in Oliver, however only Titans fans, the League impoverished, or the sado-masochistic would ask for more. After that loss, I felt an emptiness which would ensure the long listless hours of Saturday night would blend into the wistful emptiness of a numb Sunday morning. Faced with such a stark reality and with no better options, I climbed into bed at 7:15pm and wept myself to sleep.

Sunday was pure misery. I decided to go to the shopping centre and brood for a bit. My fiancé asked what I was doing and I replied in a mono-sybyllic grunt. Out I stepped with my black hoodie, black jeans, and black shoes. I combed my hair forwards so it would block out the sun and I moped around with my hands in my pockets, ignoring every happy person I could. After wandering around I saw a water feature and a bunch of similarly tortured souls leaning against it so I stood nearby and allowed the silence and brooding to bond us. Eventually one of them spoke up:

“Tigers suck man”

It was a balding man in his late 30’s with a slight paunch and a look of defeat on his face. His comments were a self reflection and statement of fact. He spoke again.

“We haven’t done anything since 2005. We suck”

The other forlorn figures nodded with their own thoughts and burdens. Through a series of grunts and one word answers I found out that they were from Bondi, the Shire, and Balmain. The guy from Bondi showed us a couple of photo’s on his phone.

“That's me in 2001-2005. See how happy I was? Then 2006/07 happened and I started listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and Linkin Park CD’s.”

I looked at his well chewed fingernails as he pressed the “next” button. They were painted black. I felt his gaze on me and looked up. Surrounding the wells of self-pity that doubled as his eyes, was a faint black smudge. He was an emo! I backed away as he wiped his drooping black fringe from his eyes and in that moment I realised that if I kept up my self pitying behaviour I too would turn emo.

With that glimpse at my future I raced home. I crammed my “Mighty Warriors” DVD into the DVD player and watched seasons 2002/03 and felt some of the colour come back into my life. My answer now is to live in the past instead of the present. I’ve already arranged my next viewing of that DVD. It’ll be 7:30pm, this Friday night when the Broncos play a team that I still love, just not this season.

Yeah, I rock.

I saw this on the side of the street. I can only imagine that someone has attacked the pram with a hubcap, the baby has bailed and the attacker has destroyed the back pram wheels in the process. The baby crawled home to safety and met up with his minders when the danger had passed.

I think that's about right.

If you haven't already seen Transformers 2, perhaps you should read this FAQ over at Topless Robot. It addresses about every plot hole and continuity flaw in the movie except for one of mine about Optimus now being invincible. Anyways, it's a bit of a dud movie, and I guess it's disappointing but I'm not sure why it's being derided so hardcore. I mean, all the fan boys expected the first to be complete crap but it wasn't and we all know that sequels with the exception of perhaps Godfather and Aliens are always shit so really, Transformers 2 being shit was inevitable.

Here is perhaps the best thing about the whole of Transformers 2 and that only lasts for about 30 seconds.

thanks Drew

Won't be eaten by Ray.

When did Mars bars become so unpopular? Maybe someone needs to freeze them and chuck them at a deaf child.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

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