Rare Wrapper

No I'm not talking about Tupac or Aaliyah, I'm talking about my cheeseburger wrapper that I got tonight.

As you'll see in black text it's a limited edition Wrap for a cheeseburger. That's right, all you cheeseburger wrapper enthusiasts better rush out and buy a cheeseburger or else you'll miss out. What's that you say? None of you collect cheeseburger wrappers? Well isn't that surprising. I thought they'd be up there with stamps, coins and schoolgirl underwear as must have collectibles.

I'll be folding this one up and hopefully it appreciates in value. Who knows, in a couple of years it could be worth twice as much as it is now.

Whoa - Midnight Shift

This is my first ever night time post and I'm kinda excited. Not really actually. I just got back home from Red Card Comedy and it went ok, better than last time at least. I had a good set going and I decided I'd be clever and pad out my set with a weaker joke so as to save material for the next bit and I muffed the wording on a vagina joke. See what I did, I said muff. Woohoo!

It was a fun experience at least and the crowd were pleasant. The main complaint was the fact that the MC was weak and couldn't control the night. The fist half went for 2 hours and the second half went for about 40 minutes. Not really the traditional definition of halves is it?

Anyways it's a gong show, what can you expect? Amanda put in another great performance and won. I'm starting to think she's getting far too successful for her own good so I might just stop talking to her from now on.

Comedy Wrap Up

Neither of my friends won Quest for the Best on Wednesday. A relative newcomer called Emma Zammit won which has set tongues wagging. Reasons include the amount of time she's spent gigging through to conspiracy theories, through to claims of a rigged comp.

As with anything comedy is subjective and the crowd chose her as the winner on the night. I didn't agree with the masses and I voted for someone else as I felt that there were better comics on the night. That said, I reckon it was a good night of comedy, it was a packed house and a rare chance for the finalists involved to perform in front of more than 700 people and credit where it's due, congrats to Emma.

I have my own demons to conquer on Saturday night. It's the return to Red Card Comedy which, as you may remember wasn't too good last time around.

I have a game plan and I'll let you know if I get there. Cheer me on gang, oh yeah!

Harry Belafonte and the Muppets

Carrying on the youtube theme I found this today.



The last time I saw this must've been almost 20 years ago. Apparently it was Jim Hensons favourite episode.

Doesn't it give ya Friday afternoon warm and fuzzies?

Rubik the Amazing Cube

Scary...



Not only does he have a wrong head but he sounds like a world weary toddler who has had his child safety seal broken a couple too many times if you know what I mean.

"Hello, my name is Ruuubik" is filled with so much inherent pain that it makes me want to cuddle him and then I realise he's a cube with no soft edges so I'll just throw him back in the toy chest for another 20 years of neglect.

People who place too much importace on mundane tasks piss me off.

I went to get a slurpie that looked a little like this today.



A guy and his female colleague were in front of me pouring themselves a slurpie when he decided he'd change flavours from cola to raspberry. There was some liquid build up in the raspberry slurpie and so he pulled the little ring pull thing located to the bottom left of the machine and some translucent raspberry flavoured liquid poured out before running solid. He then kept on pouring and it was good.

His colleague lost her shit though and exclaimed "What are you doing?"
He said "I'm getting rid of the melted slurpie juice from the machine"
She replied "How do you even know stuff like that?"
He smirked and said "I just do" like he'd created the large hadron collider or something equally cool.

It's a freakin ring pull on a slurpie machine you clown. It does not hide any universal truth nor take years of zen mastery to discover. You either pull it or you don't. (Many of my Saturday mornings are like that)

It reminds me of a time long ago when I worked at the bank. This Forrest Gump type character would wander across and do the banking for the local fruit and veg shop. He would go to lengths to tell us that he liked doing the banking because he got to experience real life and how the shop girls were missing out, when the reality was he was a simpleton who had to walk across town because someone had trusted him with their loose change.

I guess soon we'll hear people putting importance on trees for their ability to help with this supposed global warming we're facing.

Coffee Jerk

I go to a little place in the Forum at St Leonards for coffee and a bacon and egg roll every now and again. They're nice people who once referred to me as "Lang Jai" or pretty boy in Cantonese. Flattery is all you need to keep my custom and make me fiercely loyal and so I wander by twice a week or so.

Today they were quite busy which happens and I had to wait for about 10 minutes for my order which is understandable. Anyways, some idiot in a lilac shirt blew up and started saying things like, "Where's my order?" "Maybe you should write things down" and "Did you forget about me?" a bit too condescendingly for my liking so I stepped in and asked him what the problem was. Thinking I was on his side he started to unload so I stopped him and said "Mate, they're busy, what do you expect? Surprisingly enough you're not the most important person here and your order will take time. Stop being a dick"

It was kinda loud and confrontational but it shut him up and I got back up from a guy from Bakers delight who told Lilac Coffee Jerk (LCJ) he should have a lie down. LCJ wandered off muttering and I hope he fell over and broke his nose.

If you're reading this LCJ, Seriously, put it in perspective, your roll took 10 minutes. Wow, the world order will be thrown into chaos. Let's break it down.

• Will you be 10 minutes out for the rest of the day? No.


• Will you lose sleep about it? No.


• Will you look like a massive dick for ranting at the bacon guy in front of 10 strangers? Yes.

What a little bitch. Go choke on your bacon and drown on your coffee.

I couldn't find a photo of a good angry guy with a coffee so here's an angry baby who has about the same cognitive skills as the Lilac Coffee Jerk.

Quest for the Best Grand Final

Tonight is the finals for Quest for the Best, an open mic comp in Sydney with a $5000 prize for first place. A couple of my friends are in the final and it should be hot. They're expecting a crowd of 650 which is quite large. If you're around Glebe tonight you should wander on by. Tickets are probably sold out by now but it's still all very exciting.

The site is over here.

My friends Michael and Amanda are first and second on the list. Prophetic? I hope so.

Those of you about to die on stage, I salute you.

New Glasses.

Cardboard is great. It houses the homeless, allows unemloyed people to take home their belongings and carries coffee. It also makes for some great glasses.

Here's me all happy with my new glasses.

And here's me upon realising I can't see anything.

Notice the change in expressions? I am versatile.

Ant Whisperer

I went to my neighbours Birthday BBQ on the weekend and had a stellar time. There was cricket and volleyball and food but arguably the best part was checking out the ants.



These are Sugar Ants that set up their little colony next to our picnic enclosure. Upon closer inspection we found them to be an interesting bunch.



This little guy looked like he had a club foot and has walking a bit awkwardly. It was nice to know that ants have crips as well, however upon closer inspection, we noticed he'd stepped in an ant.

I've circled it in red and it just looks like a blob but there it is.



Yes an ant had stepped in an ant. WTF?

The fun doesn't stop there. After Clubfoot the ant ran off we noticed another ant moving slower than all the rest. We were able to pick him up on a stick for a better look and we were surprised by what we saw.



Our ant had a brain lesion which you can't see here. There was a weird drop of moisture seeping from his head and he was slow and non aggressive. It was like the other ants had lobotomised him McMurphy style.

Seeing as he was slow, I decided I'd lick him to see what would happen. My saliva had an almost instant curative affect. Phillip, as we named him started to walk on the stick slowly in anti clockwise circles and then he started runing up and down the stick so we let him be free, seemingly recovered. We packed up and left and didn't see him again.

Phillip, if you're reading this I hope you're ok.

10 year Reunion

It's been 10 years since I left high school and to remember life and love and stuff we had our 10 year reunion yesterday afternoon at North Sydney Bowls. It wasn't too bad and I only had the one awkward conversation with a guy I had nothing to do with during the whole of high school. I remember he had a bigger head back then, or perhaps I've just gotten bigger; that must be it. I didn't forget anyone's name either and if I was unsure of it I just ran away.

People remembered me which was nice. I used to do a banana swallowing trick back in the day and all in all 7 people asked me about it, not including my two mates who I went in with. It's nice to be remembered for something and if it's only banana swallowing, well then you haven't done too badly. All up we were there for about 4 hours which is more than enough time to wander around and chat and there was a turn out of 75 which was half the grade. All in all wasn't too bad and no one had changed drastically. Let's go 20 yr reunion!

Here's the only photo I took.



It's of my mate Evan standing next to a helium balloon. It's doing that weird thing where it hovers between the land of the floating and the grounded. The photo does it no justice whatsoever. Evan looks good in stripes at least.

Mixed weekend in Sports.

New Zealand proved they could play league but not cricket over the weekend. In what was a massive day for moisture and league in New Zealand, the Kiwi's won the RLWC 34-20 against the Kangaroos. They then went ahead and lost the first cricket test by 100 odd runs. I feel I should point out that the same team wasn't responsible for the win and the loss.

The most interesting part of this happened at home. We'd gotten back home after being out and about and were just in time for the second half kick off. Ris allowed me to watch the whole of the second half uninteruppted and also the post match presentation which is a rarity. Her kindness did not extend to the next morning when I tried to watch the match again. You can't win them all.

Speaking of not winning them all, Ricky Stuart surely would be used to that feeling by now but he blew up about the officiating and a conspiracy. Poor Ricky. Maybe your fat angry head would be better on the end of a Greg Bird happy hour special. Over at SMH he's facing a probe. Get your rubber gloves on boys and squeal like a pig!

Coffee Boobs!

I ordered a flat white last week and was pleasantly surprised to receive this shape.



I dipped the back end of my spoon into the coffee and was able to make two little nipples. It's the circle of life. Milk comes from boobies and boobies appears in milk froth. Akuma Natuta!

Deni Willians Gold Team

I clicked next blog at the top of the nav bar and found this.

It's the most interesting random blog I've found on blogger so far and what's even better is that they're sponsored by people who make fight wear for your vagina.



This is Deni in his fightwear.

Go Deni! Go Cervical Fightwear!

50!

I made it to 50 posts! Wow...

November has been twice as productive as October and September before it or 4 times as productive as October alone. Who would've thought it?

I typed 50 21/11 into Google to see what else came up and found that 50 21/11 = 51.909. Why you wouldn't just write 51 9/11 I'm not too sure? Is it a politically sensitive world that fears the repercussions of 9/11's? Maybe it's someone who likes 50 more than 51.

I also found this. It's the Australian top 50 chat hits from 2004. Back then we were listening to "What you waiting for?" by Gwen Stefani. Her and Joel Turner. I always wanted to smack that kid across the back of the head.

Also of note is the list of Number one hits in the 3rd week of November dating back to 1989 which is below.

Number one singles at this time of year from past years:
1989: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME - Cher
1990: GROOVE IS IN THE HEART - Deee-Lite
1991: I'M TOO SEXY - Right Said Fred
1992: END OF THE ROAD - Boyz II Men
1993: ALL THAT SHE WANTS - Ace Of Base
1994: TOMORROW - Silverchair
1995: GANGSTA'S PARADISE - Coolio
1996: WANNABE - Spice Girls
1997: BARBIE GIRL - Aqua
1998: ROLLERCOASTER - B*witched
1999: BLUE (DA BA DEE) - Eiffel 65
2000: TEENAGE DIRTBAG - Wheatus
2001: SMOOTH CRIMINAL - Alien Ant Farm
2002: THE KETCHUP SONG (ASEREJE) - Las Ketchup
2003: ME AGAINST THE MUSIC - Britney Spears featuring Madonna

If I was on Don't Forget the Lyrics with Wayne Brady and the topic was Australian Top 50 Week 3 November Hits from 1989-2001, I'm pretty confident I could sing the chorus of all of them barring Tomorrow. I know what I'm doing tonight then.

Meat

We're going to meat raffles at Epping RSL tonight. I can't wait as it's been ages since we've gone.

If you're on Facebook here's the group. I encourage you to join even if you have no intention of going. It hasn't stopped people so far.

In preparation for meat I decided I'd have steak for dinner last night. It was good. I bought an aged rump steak on the bone and a lady steak for Ris. Here they are with my watch in the background.



Here's a side view so you can get some perspective on how phat this bad boy was.



Whoa Nelly! 480gms of prostate stimulating fun. Bonus Bone included!

I oiled these kids up with garlic infused olive oil, then seasoned with Cumin, Pepper and Salt. Salt draws out the moisture and all but I find that preseasoning the meat wins in the flavour steaks. Oh yeah!

Here they are on the BBQ.



Notice the marbling on old boney? It's a lovely S shape for sexy.

Here's boney all seared and grilled and lovely



And that's all the photo's I took. I got far too excited from there. I should've cut it open and shown you the lovely medium rare I got but gluttony prevailed. I served it with some sweated mushrooms in butter and vegetable stock, green beans and caramelised onions with garlic. It was a sexy taste sensation. I'm not going to turn this into some sort of homo cooking blog I promise. If I was I probably would've taken a photo of the final plate. It's just that I get really excited about meat and wanted to share it with y'all.

Who Wears Short Shorts?

On the way home this guy was sniffling and wiping his nose on his newspaper. I know how that feels so I offered him a tissue. He said thanks but didn't actually use it. Maybe he was embarassed that his sniffling had been noticed, or perhaps he had wiped all his boogers out on his newspaper.

Either way, my offer to sniffles made the guy sitting next to him look up and we recognised each other. He used to go to trivia at the pub around the corner from where I used to live. His nickname was Short Shorts on account of his...short shorts. We started chatting and it was about 20 mins from our stop so you would imagine it would be laborious but it wasn't at all. He told me about his 2 year old daughter and his pregnant wife who is expecting in December. I told him how potent he was and how I no longer go to trivia because I started stand up comedy.

He thought it was amazing and based on the fact that we answered questions together 6 years ago, he said he'd come along to a gig at some stage. I gave him a card and he said he'd email. People seldom do though. Prove me wrong Short Shorts! Prove me wrong!

If Batman Drew Comics

Makes me laugh.



A lot.

Quantum of Solace

Is anyone else excited about this? I get swept up in mad fanboy hysteria and I admit I'm very excited. I would see it tonight but I'm weary and so I'll see it on the weekend.

I think the excitement I feel is half a continuation of a rejuvinated Bond franchise and half the excitement I'll have in seeing my man crush Daniel Craig on screen. He's so steely eyed and dashing. Swoon.

My excitement though has not stopped me from question what Quantum of Solace actually means. What is a Quantum of Solace? If you break it down, quantum is a large proportion or a particular amount, of is a proposition linking the sentence and solace means consolation. In short it could've been called "A Lot of Consolation" but that doesn't sound anywhere near as sexy. I reckon Ian Flemming sat in his bed, went through his thesarus and said, these words sound better, I'll stick with it. And so it was.

Yesterday's Mentalist - New Entry!

I was at Hornsby station doing my Suduko and keeping to myself like a good little fella when wrinkled legs and a splash of colour interrupted my peripheral vision. It was yesterday's mentalist.



Not only was she a visual freak but she was one of those people that uses too many words to communicate. Example: this young chick was taking up too much space on the bench next to me and so Hypercolour Granny walked up and said "Excuse me dear, my bag and I do desire to sit down. Can you move across for me please" What are you lady? Is your bag a sentient being? How can it desire anything let alone a seat. Even worse, after about 60 seconds of sitting she stood up as her train came in. She then stood right at the mid point of the door and blocked everyone from getting off the train and said stuff like "Watch for my bag" How about you watch for fashion sense you crazy neon nanny.

That brings me to her clothes. What the f%#k is that all about? Did she buy a granny cart in pink and an enviro bag in blue and then the wardrobe or was it the other way around? This could supercede the chicken and the egg argument. Why is she wearing short shorts? Why is a granny showing so much leg? Like the peacock she is using gaudy colours to attract a mate. I think she's hurtin' for a squirtin' if you ask me.

Ginger Spam Salad - Yum

Whenever I clean out my Spam folder in Gmail I get helpful suggestions at the top of the mail screen like Ginger Spam Salad.

I don't like Ginger and I don't like Spam but the two of them should be delicious. Here's the recipe if you want to try it.

Title: Gingered Spam Salad
Categories: Salads, Go-withs, Misc.
Yield: 1 Servings

1 cn Spam, sliced matchstick size
1/4 c Finely chopped ginger root
1 ea Small red onion, finely
Chopped
1/2 ts Garlic powder
1/4 c Freshly squeezed lime juice
Zest of 1 lime
1/2 ts Oriental dried chili powder
1/4 c Chopped cilantro leaves
8 ea Cherry tomatoes
Thai bird peppers and
Cilantro sprigs to garnish

Combine all ingredients in a sealed glass or plastic container to
marinate. Refrigerate at least two hours or preferably overnight.
Stir or shake occasionally to evenly coat. One hour before serving,
stir in cilantro. Serve on a bed of torn lettuce of your choice.
Garnish with quartered cherry tomatoes, Thai bird peppers and
cilantro sprigs.

Sounds like a taste sensation.

Seriously, if I got served this I would jam it up someones nose one matchstick sliced piece of spam at a time.

Below is a photo of a spam salad. Not the one listed because this is more a "What do I have in the cupboard salad" The only thing that's missing is peanut butter and perhaps some toilet paper. Jerks.

The Cheating Husband and his Magical iPhone

There's a great story over at SMH about a guy who took some photo's of his balls and sent them to his mistress only to be caught out by his wife. His excuse was that the iPhone has a glitch which automatically attaches photos you take to emails. Already pretty funny stuff but what got me was the descriptive passages of the photos

"It was a close-up shot of him pleasuring himself taken at the exact moment of maximum pleasure ... It's such a good shot that one must wonder if he actually practiced it a few times before getting it right,"

Not only does she have a husband with too much time on his hands, he's also a wanker. Wow, that's two wanking jokes in the last 3 days. I think I've found my niche.

Anyways, if people start getting photos of my balls well I apologise, must be a glitch with my iPhone.

Best of all is that the article uses miscreant for like the first time I've seen in 36 years. Here it is -

"or online miscreants."

I'm bringing miscreant back. Yeah! And other devo's don't know how to act.

Abominable is underused

I convinced one of my colleagues to buy her daughters some Choose Your Own Adventure books. They arrived the other day and one of them was this one.



When you think of Abominable you think of Snowmen. That's really about it. I was under the impression that the word abmoninable was created just to describe snowmen and that the Snowman Guild created Frosty to counter this character assasination and to create some positive press. This is incorrect. After some research Abominable is from the Latin, to Old French to the Middle English form (circa 14th Century) Abominable that we enjoy today. The progression if you're interested is abminbilis, to abominari, to abhor which means to detest, loathsome etc. Now if you ask me that's a pretty harsh tag to carry around, being abominable and all. That's probably why no one sees him. He's kinda like that friend you know that went out with one of your female friends for a while then he treated her bad and no one sees him cos he's a dickhead. He doesn't come out to social functions with your group cos he knows you think he's a dickhead and it's because he's lost touch with everyone he becomes more and more socially retarded or abominable.

I think that's what may have happened to our Snowman. Treated a girl bad and now he is sad.

*UPDATE*

They turned this sucker into a DVD would you believe? It even has our friend Frankie Muniz...or is it Casey Affleck? Did you know that Frankie was homeschooled? He's also a social miscreant and his peers find him abominable. How's that for a throw back. I'm all about circular motion.

Daniel Anderson wanted the Eels Coaching position badly.

Daniel Anderson looks to be the new Eels coach. It hasn't been announced yet but it will happen this afternoon. Not the hugest news ever but the way he did it says to me he wanted the position badly.

"Anderson has beaten off several other candidates, including current Eels assistant coaches David Fairleigh and Matt Cameron and Melbourne assistant Stephen Kearney."

What happened to using your credentials to succeed? Looks like they'll let any wanker coach a team these days.

The Eels were asked on their thoughts and all said that he would be a "handy" coach to have around.

And I'm spent...

Guitar Hero - World Tour

I got it on the weekend and it's perhaps the greatest thing mankind has done since inventing cub scouts. We played it solidly for about 6 hours on Saturday and we had the gang over on Sunday and again played it for about 5 hours. I'm a fully sick drummer, animal style now. I can even do the Cadbury Gorilla drum intro from that Calling in the air Cadbury Ad. I'll take some photo's of the kit in action and put them up.

The only downside is that I have to wear glasses to read see the screen properly which doesn't give me stacks of credit in the rock god stakes but, hey at least I'm 91% accurate 91% of the time.

I lie, the other downside is that we'll probably upset the lesbian downstairs if we keep it up. Thing is she's not a hot lesbo, just a plain jane type so I guess it's ok. On a neighbour tangent, our neighbours upstairs thought that our rendition of Living on a Prayer busted a sack of nuts. That's how good we rock in the Ping!

2121 represent!

Jerks Who Sit the Wrong Way on Trains Make Me Upset.

There is really no need to explain the above sentence. I hate them so much. They are the epitomy of laziness. Train seats have those hinge things so they can be flipped in the right direction, not so you can just walk down and sit there making puzzled faces at the rest of people who "get" how trains work. I use the term "get" loosely as really there's nothing to get. You were a total waste of sperm.

Anyways, the latest offender had a bad haircut and just sat there in a 3 seater with his fat head staring at everyone. I stared at him for a good 30 seconds and tried to communicate what an eyesore he was sitting the wrong way and all, but he caught me looking so I did that look down thing. It didn't stop me from hating him. He is a drain on natural resources.

His actions caused three sets of people to also sit the wrong way just to avoid looking at him. He was on the train till Pymble and then the guy who sat next to him got out and flipped the seat the right way. Why should one persons selfishness and laziness affect so many people? They should just herd them all up in a wrong sitting compartment and drive them into that train yard outside Redfern where all the trains go and rust to death. They'd all die in there because it's not like they'd get off their arse to get off the train as that would be too much work. If you're reading this and you're a seat flipper I hate you so much. Change your ways before I too stare at you for 30 seconds.

Gar! I need a lie down.

NB: The guy in the picture wasn't the train guy, he just happens to be some bloke who also sits the wrong way on trains with a stupid look on his face and by rights I hate him too but he's not actually the guy from this morning. Argh! So Angry!

Saw V - Horrible

My sister is a big fan of the Saw franchise which I think peaked when Carey Elwes screamed "What are you doing man?" in the first film.*

Since then it's seen pits full of syringes, exploding necklaces, offal, frozen naked chicks, hammers, guns, pendulums, chicken wire and a butt load of nail bombs. I haven't enjoyed these movies at all since I almost threw up during the opening scenes of Saw III when Donnie Wahlberg hammers his own foot to a pulp to pull it through his shackles.

I don't even know why I went. I sorta do actually. My sister offered to pay after I blew up at her last year for not having 70c to pay for a choc top when we went to Saw IV which was equally rubbish. I thought it was fair, I mean seriously, who goes along to a movie that they want to see without money?

Anyways, I'm not really upset about the movie being complete and utter crap, I'm more upset about the waste of 90 odd minutes. I could've baked a couple of sponge cakes. I could've started an introductory course to learn a new language. I could've gone down to the local community centre and had a jazzercise class and gone home and had a shower. I probably wouldn't have done the last one cos I'm probably about 14 years too old to not look pervy but the point is I could've had a semi productive Saturday morning but now I will never know because I wasted it watching Saw V.

* - I tried to find the scene on Youtube. Instead I found this which is even funnier. Not because of the movie, it's because of the info part in the top right.

"I dedicate this one specially to my friend Joy (PeaceChild, the admin on the Cary Elwes Fan Forum), who will hopefully make me a moderator on the forum. ^.^ "

That's right. This kids ambition is to be a mod on a Carey Elwes fan forum. Excuse me while I laugh hysterically. S2BU. I hope you made it man, the world needs dedicated Carey Elwes mods. His body of work is increasing every year and all too.

Forum 7's

I kind of alluded to a nerdy writing competition that I'm involved in here. Although it is extremely nerdy it combines three things I love which are league, humour, writing and balls - oh that's four things. It's called Forum 7's and every week teams of E-players submit 5 articles for their adopted club and try to get the highest score. Last year I won rookie of the year which was ace. This year I won a place in Team of the Year and joint Warriors MVP which I was pretty stoked about to be honest.

Usually I just write drivel but it seems as though people appreciated it this year enough to recognise it and for that I'm grateful. I've been judged by an online peer group that I'm never likely to meet and been included as one of them and that my friends is the best e-feeling you can get.

Here are my trophies/award banners.


Notice how they shine?

Anyways, here's probably the best summary of the competition and why I'm in it. Of course it's an article by me. What I found funny was the mention of blogging. What a wanker I've become...

George and the Barracuda

Yesterday George W Bush posed with members of the Arizona State University Men's and Women's Track Team. Nothing unusual in that right? Not until you realise their hand gestures.

Yes they're doing the Barracuda or the Shocker. If it were a line drawing it'd look like this



What's so bad about that you might ask? Well let's let urban dictionary answer that for us over here

If old George was to do it on Laura it'd be literally two in the bush and one in the tush.

Protest of the Week - Anti-Terrorism

It's been a while since our last Protest of the Week. Obviously it's not a weekly thing as I'm not really getting involved in too many protests or searching for them...till now.

This protest of the week is brought to you by California. It was held last year and is of note because of the exceptionally hot chick in it. Anti Terrorism is a buzz word isn't it? By definition I don't think there's ever going to be a pro terrorism rally is there? If there was I imagine it'd be explosive. Oh snap!

Anyways here's the Protest0r of the Week.

As you can see, she's really hot. She's a sexy terrorist that will have to be locked up for crimes against frumpiness. That's completely made up. I'm sorry.

Gig Review - Roxbury Semi Finals

Well the big gig has come and gone. It was an audience vote and I didn't get through but it was a strong gig. One of my mates taped it so I'll throw it up here once I get it. I had the odds stacked against me as I didn't bring enough friends (oops) and I drew the last spot of the night out of 12 comics and there's nothing worse than sitting in the corner waiting for your turn for 3 hours. If you've never auditioned or tried out for anything in your life you probably have no idea what it feels like so just imagine asking the object of your desire out, man, woman or animal and having that feeling in your gut for 3 straight hours. It's enough to make you hurl. Usually I'm quite good with nerves but I was a wreck last night.

Anyways, they split it 7 and 5. The first 7 were solid if not spectacular. Some good material and a decent range of topics and delivery but the nerves were on display.

The break came and the second half started at 9:50pm. The next worst thing about being in the second half was watching people fill out voting slips during the break for their mate and then walk off. I guess you can't expect too much out of a crowd that doesn't support comedy on a weekly basis but it would've been nice to have been able to play to a packed house. In my bracket were some comics I gig with on a regular basis as well as a kid called Jordan Paris. Check out his website here. Need I say anything more?

Anyways, the night rolled on. James a fantastic young comic came on and lifted the bar after Jordan. You have to hear his kestrel joke which I could not do justice to here. Hannah followed and had the joke of the night with her friendly fisting bit and suddenly the second last act Billy was on. Billy was easy to follow. He's very slick, has great delivery and some very solid lines as well as being a top bloke. I slept with him just the once, but that's another story.

My 6 minutes came and went in a flash. Had some ad-lib thrown in there for good measure but at the end of the day it wasn't enough and I didn't get through. I had a lot of congrats after the show which was nice but it's always tough when facing a competition crowd. Ah well, always next year or Raw or one of countless other competitions that I can lose all hope in just around the corner. Just you wait Sydney, I'm going to be someone!

Dictionary time!

I described someone as a social miscreant last night and my mate pulled me up on it. It was more the miscreant than the social part. I told him that it meant someone that was a social outcast or pariah. Not content with that he wanted to know the source word and base of it. Well f%#k me if I'm a thesaurus or not but I guessed that it was French in origin because of the mis prefix. A quick check on Dictionary.com this morning proved that I know my word shizzle sizzle.

Here are some miscreants I found on Google images. Enjoy!


Here's a Fucking Miscreant.


Hmm...more a dunce than a miscreant.


A band called miscreant. They're Kiwi so it'd be more like muscreunt eh bro?

Read more about them here. Or not.

Gig Time - Quest for the Best

It's gig time eve for Quest for the Best.

If you look here, you'll see my name in lights. I have a toight 6 mins planned and am reasonably confident it'll land. Whoa, poetry! I just came off 4 gigs in 2 weeks so I've gotten about as much practice as I could possibly hope for. Let's hope that my charm and guile will win me through. The kids from work are thinking about coming along as well. If I go bad it'll be awkward!

I had a gig at the new Laugh Garage in the City last night. Nice place with a federal judge and his hooker in tow as part of the audience. She apparently wanted everyone to know that her b00bs cost $12,000. Anyways, the Nelson Twins were there as well as Jamie Kilstein from New York. He's been on the World Stands up and other cool things and was excellent and was willing to have a chat after the show which was nice and all, y'know interconnectivity and the like.

Anyways, here's one of his clips, let's hope I got this right.



Woohoo! I did!

Stories - Piss take

I haven't had too much to say for the past week so I'll put this up instead. It's part of an article writing forum that I take part in to keep the old senses sharp and the humour funny and all.

Here it is in all its glory, I present Piss Take.

The rest of the forum is here.

Bad Haircut

Bad Haircut

I was just checking through my FlickR stats and this is my most popular photo. How bizarre. It was a crazy German chick that we found at the Ranga orphanage in Malaysia. Right now it has 37 all time views. Next on the list is a photo of my mate smoking at 14 all time views. What does this say about the viewing public? They like severe German haircuts and people who smoke.

I realise that as a consequence of these actions it's lead over the rest of the pack will grow. When it gets to 50 I'll let y'all know. Notice how I'm mildly optimistic that I have 13 readers out there. Prove me right blogland.

Election Time!

I guess that I should mark the fact that today is US election day by providing this link.

It's a world map showing the results if a global vote decided the US elections. How about those crazy Venezualans eh? Or Macedonia? Or even little Nieu? Some stauch wee McCain fans there. I voted Obama but my vote counts about as much as Florida's vote 8 years ago.

I also think that Sarah Palin is kinda hot...

CHSEXZAP - Update

I made my first character called CHSEXZAP this morning. I actually called him Sexzap but you know what I mean. He's a Jedi that I made with the Lightsaber application on my Iphone. I even wrote up a bio for him which I will reproduce for you now.

"Sexzap was borne of two sexy, kindred spirits who made out with some refried beans and ovaltine. They carried him in their loins for 47 days and upon maturation he burst into the world and devoured them. He rose through the ranks of the Jedi council aided by his shiny yellow Sabre. Dangerous, cunning and arousing; Sexzap is changing the way of the Jedi - by Force!"

Impressive and totally historically accurate eh?

I imagine he looks a little bit like Captain Caveman



What do YOU think he looks like? Do you even care?

Casey Affleck = Frankie Muniz

How is Casey Affleck even remotely related to Ben Affleck when he looks exactly like Frankie Muniz? I have a theory; they're the same person.

How many movies have they been in together? 0
How many cameo appearances did Casey Affleck have on Malcolm in the Middle? 0
How much do I want to punch both of them? A lot.

Their names even end in the same ee sound and a is the first vowel in both names.

Therefore, they are the same person.


Casey or Frankie?


Frankie or Casey?

Presumptuous Old Man Ruins Lunch

My first post for November! And it's a rant! Hooray!

I went to the local tavern for lunch with my sister today. In the corner was a small man who looked a little like Colonel Sanders, next to him was an empty table. I glanced at him as I walked over to the cash machine thinking nothing more of him until he came running up to say "If you want my table I'll move for you. I'm truly just sitting there" I told him that he didn't have to worry as there were plenty of tables around but he insisted and returned to his table and grinned at everyone.

We went and ordered and decided to sit at the free table that was next to him, however he decided that he would be true to his word and got up and said, "I'll leave you to alone to get up to romance" and then winked. Now I'm one of those guys that looks enough like his sister to see that we're related, so he was either giving me the green light for incest or is a presumptuous old f#%kwit, I like to think the latter of the two.

Apart from being presumptuous, he was the kind of guy that just wandered up and spoke to everyone, but not because he knew them. It was because he was a social burden. As we left, he waved and thanked us for coming like he owned the place when in fact he was just a slightly drunk, 70 year old man, dressed in a straw hat and bow tie, who looked like Colonel Sanders, who thought I was romancing my sister, with no immediate social circle, who has to drink on a Monday morning to get through the week. I hate him.

That is why that man is the presumptuous old man who ruined lunch.