Fuckers Win Meat

These old fuckers won 5 meat trays at meat raffles. Fuck them. They don't even know 5 meat trays worth of people. They should really limit people who are over 60 from winning more than one tray each. I should've kicked that old bitch in the cunt. What's worse was that she was wearing a jumper with a possum on it, like she was the personification of possum fucking magic or some shit.

Fuck her.

Fuck Epping.

Fuck Meat Raffles.

Men Wear Paper Hats and Bratz Capes

The weekend of unusual clothing continued at Milsons Point Station. As I left the station to meet Jamie I noticed this man.

He was wearing a paper hat. I admit it was very well constructed but it was still a paper hat. Seeing as my camera takes a while to get ready I had to walk at time and a half to catch him which I did as is proved above. He seemed to know a couple of people so perhaps I've made enemies. Maybe he's just a paper hat wearing freak that I should laugh at. I think that's pretty accurate.

Later that evening I was at the urinals and noticed the guy above at the trough. I said "Nice cape" but he ignored me. I waited outside the toilet with my camera ready and took a snap shot which wasn't that good. I headed him at the pass and waited for him to enter the ticket gates and took the photo above as he walked up the stairs. He was wearing a Bratz blanket. If it were GI Joe that'd be cool, if it were Strawberry Shortcake that'd be kinda faggy but retro cool, if it were Barbie it'd be old woman vintage toy cool but not Bratz. Bratz are by definition spoilt little kids. The fact that they're tricked out make up wearing doe eyed dolls make them the tarts of the toy world. They should be shot on sight and so should guys wearing their blankets straight after they've handed in their penis' to the man club.

Steamfest

Oktoberfest and other famous fests of the world look out – Steamfest 09 is here!

I saw a poster at Central and so I googled it this arvo. It's a celebration of steam and trains. When I hear Steamfest I either think about big sweaty men in sauna's or a guy who wants to open a lot of envelopes in secret. Excellent.

Seeing as it's such a big event, they're looking for volunteers like this guy.



There's still signs with the numbers 1,3-9 left on them for you to hold.

Apparently the Powerhouse Museum will have a strong presence there.

"The Powerhouse Museum will have a strong presence at Maitland Steamfest in 2009"

I think I'll go to the Powerhouse as opposed to going to Maitland for two days thanks.

The Powerhouse doesn't have delicious Malaysian food or Turkish Gozleme though.

"...a range of tantalizing food from Malaysian Cuisine and Turkish Gozleme..."

No, they don't but if I want to pay some fat Turkish woman $9 to make a crepe and stuff it with Spinach and Fetta I would like to be off my face at a festival and not in Maitland. If you go to Steamfest, let me know how it went. It sounds steamy.

It’s hard to get off at St Leonards Station.

If I catch a train I like to get off without explaining myself. I shouldn’t have to explain myself especially if I have a valid ticket. This is no longer the case at St Leonards station because of charity collectors. I avoid eye contact and try to get through but they always see me, probably because I’m not a ninja. They’ll say hi and because I’m a smiley guy I’ll smile back. They then make you feel bad about smiling at them when in fact I’m making their crappy jobs better by presenting them with some human kindness.

I had to go to Chatswood today which meant I had to go back to St Leonards and run the charity gauntlet. The one today said that she always sees me (lies) and that I’m always in a hurry (lies again) and that I should stay and talk (unlikely). These interactions are always so awkward and I find myself justifying myself just to walk away from them “Oh sorry that I left the station and walked through the section where you’re mindlessly cluttering up the walkway and stopping me from getting back to work” I shouldn’t need to say that at all I should just yell “Leave me the fuck alone backpacker”

They also promote the spread of germs with all their hand shaking. It’s all about personal contact because when you’ve touched well then you’ve forged a bond of sorts. I don’t want your germs charity collector. I’d much prefer it if you got your chestal’s out to touch but I doubt that will happen with consideration to decency and all that.

Anyways, I think they’re rather futile. Don’t they know that people hate people these days? I’d much prefer to take care of number one than pay for some malnourished midget with one lung and scabies to learn how to swim or whatever they’re collecting for. I find myself making up elaborate lies to fob them off these days. I’ll say stuff like “I rotate my charities on a 12 month basis and I donated to insert charity 3 years ago so if you’re back here in 2018 I’ll be sure to sign up then” That usually does the trick.

Try it yourself and let me know how it went.

So You Think You Can Dance - Dramatic

I like SYTYCD but I don’t like the ad’s spruiking it. The ones that annoy me the most apart from the ones that show the insides of Natalie Basingthwaites dilated nostrils are the elimination ones. They announce that 6 dancers will “dance for their lives” It’s a bit dramatic isn’t it? What’s going to happen? Jason’s going to crack it and shoot one of them on the spot. That little hat wearing pansy Matt is going to laugh maniacally and press a button opening a trap door sending them to their dooms? Bonnie is going to compliment them to death? Natalie will ingest them in her ever increasing nostrils? No. They’ll survive. The reality is they’ll be sent home and continue to live. They should really call it “dance to prevent elimination” but it won’t happen.

Jerks.

Train Cops Get Hassled.

I was on the train home last night and some train cops wandered up and down the carriage. They checked tickets and got up to this stupid Korean kid who bought a student ticket but wasn't a student. They all got off at Rhodes and as they left a slightly nasal voice belonging to someone from a lower socio-economic class than myself yelled "Get a real job" They didn't hear her.

The train stopped at Rhodes for a while and so train heckler went to the middle bit and stood at the door and stared at them, waiting until the last moment before the doors shut to yell "You guys need a real job" I know. She is so awesome.

Honestly though, this woman is a social jerk. My main stickling points with her are how about allowing them the right of response and how about telling them this when they checked your ticket instead of sitting there impassively and showing them?

She strutted around the middle bit of the carriage when the train left and so I glared at her. She was the type of person who struck up coversations with people but not to be nice. It was only to revel in her anti-authoratarian ways. I was really pissed off at this point and so I listened into her conversation. She repeated her extremely witty and original "They need real jobs man" line and then went on to explain that she worked as an outbound call centre operator. Hang on a second. That's actually worse in my estimation of jobs. It's like a necrophile frowning on a pedo and saying "Well at least I wait for them to die"

Well it's probably not that extreme but you get my point.

Next time I see her I hope the train cops bust out a bit of this action



Booyah!

Getting Dumped By Facebook Friends

Warning - long inexplicable post ahead. Thought process for disclaimer explained at the bottom.

I have 364 facebook friends. I check this number on a daily basis not because I need the validation of online friendship, but because it goes up and down, like the weight of (Insert Kirstie Alley, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Oprah Winfrey here). That's not really a reason is it? Ok, I'm shallow.

In my facebook history, I have only dropped a friend once because I didn't really like their constant status pilfering and annoying requests, I didn't explain myself to them so I guess I'm being a hypocrite but shut up, this is my post. Out of the 364, I pride myself on only having 5 people that I haven't actually met on my list. I know that there are stacks of people out there with more friends such as 17 year old girls who OD at music festivals or 12 year old gigolo's but I think I do ok. Add one more friend and I have a friend for every day of the year (barring leap years, then I'm rooted)

Anyways, because I check my friend counter every day like the shallow husk of a man that I am, I notice if I lose a friend. It's happened a couple of times but when your friend base gets to a certain level it's hard to realise who's left because, let's face it, I only really talk to about 15-20 people on a regular basis. The others are just there for show. So when someone leaves it's probably a good thing because you weren't really utilising them were you? That and you have no idea who it was that dumped you because you never actually spoke to them anyway.

That has been true for the majority of my experience except for three occasions. These three times all hurt because I was able to identify the dumper. Getting facebook dumped is not a gracious event, it just happens without explaination (see my earlier example). There's no letters, flowers or breakup lunch where they pay. It's clinical and quick and it leaves hollowness and pent up rage. To help with the healing, let's go through my three known dumpers now.

The first was a guy I went to high school with who has about 400 friends. He did a bit of a clean out and apparently I'm not good enough to be in his inner circle. Nor is another of my mates. As a result, I didn't talk to him at our reunion. Yeah, way to show him who's boss, bet he regretted dumping me now.

The second was a chick I went to primary school with. I barely remember her but she sent a personal greeting and asked if I remembered her. Whatever. Be my friend. Getting on my friend list is easier than making fun of Nicole Kidman and online friendship is not going to impact either of us in any way shape or form so sure.. After asking to be my friend, 6 months later, she dumped me. It could've been earlier than that, I only happened to notice at 6 months. It left me confused and enraged. Why would you find someone from primary school who you didn't particularly know that well only to get rid of them? I can only assume that it was me who disappointed her or maybe she just grew out of the friendship. Who knows? Bitch.

The third was a comic who kicks around the Sydney scene. He's a pretty funny guy with a pretty bitter twisted view on life. We gigged at the Laugh Garage and I saw he was friends with a couple of the other comics and so I added him as is our wont. That was in September or October. I remember looking at his profile and at his blog which was quite amusing. Last month I thought I'd look at it again but realised I couldn't find him in my friends list anymore. He'd dumped me after 3 months! That one probably hurt the most as we both had mutual interests and there is a reasonable chance we'll run into each other again this year. Get ready for a bag full of awkward!

Anyways, that's my tale of heartache and woe. I'll let you know if I confront these people. In fact I might start with primary school chick and go from there. Should be amusing at least.

Whoa. In review that was pretty intense. Apologies. I'll go put a disclaimer at the top now...

7-11 Jerk

I went to buy what was likely my last slurpie for 2008 and the guy who served me was an idiot. They had a Taurine flavoured slurpie and it was bright and blue and delicious and now it's gone. I asked the guy who served me is the blue one coming back and he said "Yes" but he didn't actually acknowledge what I was saying. Kind of like when your parents tell you stories about their childhood that are ultimately pointless.

So I said to the guy, "You see the slurpie machine, are the blue ones coming back"

He said "Yes" again and looked at me like it was a simple truth and like I was the biggest tard in the world when in fact he was. Now that I've read this all back I look like a petty slurpie drinking monga but now I can't be bothered deleting it.

Meh.

People who place too much importace on mundane tasks piss me off.

I went to get a slurpie that looked a little like this today.



A guy and his female colleague were in front of me pouring themselves a slurpie when he decided he'd change flavours from cola to raspberry. There was some liquid build up in the raspberry slurpie and so he pulled the little ring pull thing located to the bottom left of the machine and some translucent raspberry flavoured liquid poured out before running solid. He then kept on pouring and it was good.

His colleague lost her shit though and exclaimed "What are you doing?"
He said "I'm getting rid of the melted slurpie juice from the machine"
She replied "How do you even know stuff like that?"
He smirked and said "I just do" like he'd created the large hadron collider or something equally cool.

It's a freakin ring pull on a slurpie machine you clown. It does not hide any universal truth nor take years of zen mastery to discover. You either pull it or you don't. (Many of my Saturday mornings are like that)

It reminds me of a time long ago when I worked at the bank. This Forrest Gump type character would wander across and do the banking for the local fruit and veg shop. He would go to lengths to tell us that he liked doing the banking because he got to experience real life and how the shop girls were missing out, when the reality was he was a simpleton who had to walk across town because someone had trusted him with their loose change.

I guess soon we'll hear people putting importance on trees for their ability to help with this supposed global warming we're facing.

Coffee Jerk

I go to a little place in the Forum at St Leonards for coffee and a bacon and egg roll every now and again. They're nice people who once referred to me as "Lang Jai" or pretty boy in Cantonese. Flattery is all you need to keep my custom and make me fiercely loyal and so I wander by twice a week or so.

Today they were quite busy which happens and I had to wait for about 10 minutes for my order which is understandable. Anyways, some idiot in a lilac shirt blew up and started saying things like, "Where's my order?" "Maybe you should write things down" and "Did you forget about me?" a bit too condescendingly for my liking so I stepped in and asked him what the problem was. Thinking I was on his side he started to unload so I stopped him and said "Mate, they're busy, what do you expect? Surprisingly enough you're not the most important person here and your order will take time. Stop being a dick"

It was kinda loud and confrontational but it shut him up and I got back up from a guy from Bakers delight who told Lilac Coffee Jerk (LCJ) he should have a lie down. LCJ wandered off muttering and I hope he fell over and broke his nose.

If you're reading this LCJ, Seriously, put it in perspective, your roll took 10 minutes. Wow, the world order will be thrown into chaos. Let's break it down.

• Will you be 10 minutes out for the rest of the day? No.


• Will you lose sleep about it? No.


• Will you look like a massive dick for ranting at the bacon guy in front of 10 strangers? Yes.

What a little bitch. Go choke on your bacon and drown on your coffee.

I couldn't find a photo of a good angry guy with a coffee so here's an angry baby who has about the same cognitive skills as the Lilac Coffee Jerk.

Jerks Who Sit the Wrong Way on Trains Make Me Upset.

There is really no need to explain the above sentence. I hate them so much. They are the epitomy of laziness. Train seats have those hinge things so they can be flipped in the right direction, not so you can just walk down and sit there making puzzled faces at the rest of people who "get" how trains work. I use the term "get" loosely as really there's nothing to get. You were a total waste of sperm.

Anyways, the latest offender had a bad haircut and just sat there in a 3 seater with his fat head staring at everyone. I stared at him for a good 30 seconds and tried to communicate what an eyesore he was sitting the wrong way and all, but he caught me looking so I did that look down thing. It didn't stop me from hating him. He is a drain on natural resources.

His actions caused three sets of people to also sit the wrong way just to avoid looking at him. He was on the train till Pymble and then the guy who sat next to him got out and flipped the seat the right way. Why should one persons selfishness and laziness affect so many people? They should just herd them all up in a wrong sitting compartment and drive them into that train yard outside Redfern where all the trains go and rust to death. They'd all die in there because it's not like they'd get off their arse to get off the train as that would be too much work. If you're reading this and you're a seat flipper I hate you so much. Change your ways before I too stare at you for 30 seconds.

Gar! I need a lie down.

NB: The guy in the picture wasn't the train guy, he just happens to be some bloke who also sits the wrong way on trains with a stupid look on his face and by rights I hate him too but he's not actually the guy from this morning. Argh! So Angry!

Presumptuous Old Man Ruins Lunch

My first post for November! And it's a rant! Hooray!

I went to the local tavern for lunch with my sister today. In the corner was a small man who looked a little like Colonel Sanders, next to him was an empty table. I glanced at him as I walked over to the cash machine thinking nothing more of him until he came running up to say "If you want my table I'll move for you. I'm truly just sitting there" I told him that he didn't have to worry as there were plenty of tables around but he insisted and returned to his table and grinned at everyone.

We went and ordered and decided to sit at the free table that was next to him, however he decided that he would be true to his word and got up and said, "I'll leave you to alone to get up to romance" and then winked. Now I'm one of those guys that looks enough like his sister to see that we're related, so he was either giving me the green light for incest or is a presumptuous old f#%kwit, I like to think the latter of the two.

Apart from being presumptuous, he was the kind of guy that just wandered up and spoke to everyone, but not because he knew them. It was because he was a social burden. As we left, he waved and thanked us for coming like he owned the place when in fact he was just a slightly drunk, 70 year old man, dressed in a straw hat and bow tie, who looked like Colonel Sanders, who thought I was romancing my sister, with no immediate social circle, who has to drink on a Monday morning to get through the week. I hate him.

That is why that man is the presumptuous old man who ruined lunch.

TV Week - As worthwhile as a handful of Diarrhoea

As you could guess I hate it. What's the point? It's the appendix of weekly magazines.

Our receptionist at work buys TV Week religously every...week. I don't understand why. I asked does she buy the Sunday paper and she replied yes. That means that she'd have the TV guide as it comes with the Sunday paper making the purchase of TV Week redundant, wouldn't it?

Not so accoriding to our receptionist. Apparently TV week tells her what happens in Home and Away before she watches it. This apparently makes watching Home and Away more fun. I'm yet to figure out the logic behind this.

It brings me to this point though. TV Week should have gone out of publication years ago. The only thing it's handy for is voting on the Logies which is completely worthless. Anything that can reward Kate Ritchie for the mere act of being on TV for 20 years is complete rubbish. The fact that we have TV guides makes selling TV Week about as worthwhile as trying to sell bottled water to people with cold water taps. Oh that happens...

Anyway, to end here's a handful of dirt cos I couldn't find an image of a handful of Diarrhoea